Tag Archives: work

Ask a Grown Man: Vol. V

15 Jul

Good Thursday, Grown Men.  Let’s do this thang…

Dear Grown Man,

I work in one of those “cool” places where people come into work wearing T-Shirts, including the two owners. I wear casual button downs most of the time, so at least I’m making some headway.

What about shoes, though? [I cut out some stuff] Sneakers in the work place are for teenagers working at a fast food joint…it doesn’t matter how nice they are. So what should I be wearing?!

Thanks,
Ben

Benjamin,

We have two things to talk about.  First, you need to have a good old fashion uprising in your office.   It is ridiculous that a man with your fashion forward mind should consider, even for a moment, working for those goons.  Today’s the day, Benny Boy.  Walk right in there, inform them that there’s no room for Ed Hardy in a Brooks Brothers world, and demand their jobs.  When they refuse, make sure they notice the pitchfork and torches that you and the other button-down-boys are holding and give them an ultimatum – either they dress like freaking adults, or they shall be brained.

Second, the fact that you’ve even considered what shoes to wear gives me a great amount of hope for you.  Allow me to honor your inquiry with some well-organized bullet points regarding shoe selection:

No kidding, I owned these exact shoes.

-You may not ever wear sneakers to work UNLESS your company is having some sort of outdoor activity that forces you all to walk in a 5k on a Saturday morning in matching t-shirts.  Even “teenagers working at a fast food joint” should have the work ethic to wear standard issue black restaurant shoes instead of flashy British Knights (or whatever the kids are wearing now).

-As you so astutely pointed out, your suit shoes shouldn’t be your 9-5 shoes.  You really need to own shoes that are only worn with your suit(s).  They should remain well polished and kept in the box until very special occasions.

-Your 9-5 shoes need to be somewhere on the spectrum between your Indie-boss kicks and the suit shoes.  I would avoid patent (shiny) leather and overly trendy colored shoes.  Brown or black, tasteful, and timeless are always good guidelines.  However, I respect a Grown Man’s decision to have a unique style, so if you must show some flair, do it in a way that doesn’t elicit memories of juice boxes and recess.

Ben, I hope this helps and thanks for giving a crap about how you appear at work.  Prepare for the uprising my friend – the revolution is now.

My Adidas,
GM

Why do men not give their girlfriends compliments after the first 3 months? My friends and I can get compliments from other men all day long, but the one she wants them from doesn’t give them.

-Christine

Christine,

Men DO give their girlfriends compliments after the first three months, years, and decades.  The “men” you are speaking of are hunter/gatherers who give compliments to lure women and get their fill of emotional and/or physical affirmation.  When these men finish the chase, they simply begin the process of discarding the carcass and moving on.  I assure you, the man you speak of is giving complements to some woman – just not “your friend”.

Your friend,
GM

Grown man, are you a Christian dude or just extremely conservative?

Ted Haggard,

Hold on, you almost got me on this one.  So you’re implying that I must be either a Christian dude OR conservative?  Aren’t there liberal Christians?  Aren’t there conservative atheists?  Wait, wait, I’ve got a good one – aren’t there libertarian Lutherans?  Okay, it wasn’t that good.  In any event, a Grown Man never talks politics or religion in one-sided, public forums.  Blogs are meant for tomfoolery and pictures of messed up cakes.

Tea Party Pentecostal,
GM

Until next week, keep asking those great questions!


quit dining with danger.

29 Jun

Quick preface: This post is written for men who are in relationships.  I apologize to the single fellas our there for the specific content.  However, I’d encourage you to stuff this knowledge in your back pocket – I promise you, you’ll need it one day.

Allow me to paint you a picture:  You spend 40+ hours a week at work and you’re a nice guy.  You take part in jeans Friday and are known to pull a couple of really zany pranks. Overall, you’re well liked and respected among your peers.  Work is good, your wife is awesome, you’re a happy man.  One day your office mate, we’ll call her Jezebel, casually says, “Hey, you wanna’ get Thai for lunch?”  Now, Jezebel isn’t asking you on a date or being weird, she’s simply wanting to combine Tofu Praram and a conversation with the office nice-guy.  The question before you now is, how do you reply?

By no means can you go out to lunch with that woman.

Grown Man, you are such a freaking prude!  What’s the big deal, she’s not into me, I’m not into her, it’s a lunch?!  Also, I reeeeeally want Shrimp Pad Thai (5 stars, extra peanuts)!

Cool it, fella.  I trust you, I really do.  And furthermore, I trust Jezebel.  The problem is, I don’t know that in every situation YOU should trust you.  Right now, your life is awesome.  But someday, the relationship you’re in might hit a speed bump and you may not be completely meshing with your wife or girlfriend.  When, not if, but when that day comes  – you need to be prepared.

If you’re having a difficult time with your significant other and you find yourself across the table from a lovely co-worker, think about how it’ll feel when she complements your great sense of humor.  Today, that compliment would be received, processed, and forgotten with the next bite of Chicken Pad Thai (damn it, they got the order wrong!).  However, if you’re in a particularly vulnerable spot (which you will be someday), that compliment could be received, processed, reworked, dwelt on, fantasized about, and manipulated.  The next thing you know, a casual lunch turns into (in your mind) a semi-date.  Now, my good man, you are on the highway to the danger zone.

Oh boy, you’re taking this WAY too far!  Nice job jumping the shark, Grown Man.

Maybe I am, but also, nobody ever goes into a good relationship expecting an affair.  Affairs happen because we don’t setup safeguards in the good days.  Because gentlemen, trust me, lean days will happen. And in those days, you will need to be armed so that you can go though them and end up on the other side without regrets and with self-respect.  Not going on solo outings is a simple rule that can save a ton of heartache.

Before you all assail me in the comments, allow me to address a few quick points:

1- Women aren’t followers who will have affairs with any guy.  Our friend Jezebel would likely reject any advance because she’s a Grown Woman.  However, every now and again, the perfect storm happens and good women and good man put themselves in vulnerable positions.  This blog is written for men who need to do their part in preventing such an occurrence.

2- In the course of your life, your lady-boss may say, “Hey, let’s grab a coffee today.”  Because she’s your boss, it’s way harder to say, “No, Grown Man says I shouldn’t.”  With this and other such difficult situations, it’s really up to you. However, I still default to not letting foxes into the henhouse.

3- If you’re single and still reading this, go and get Thai with that young-lady (as long as she’s single)! Also, take the complement and milk it for all it’s worth.  Go get ‘em tiger…

4- I’ll be funnier tomorrow.

know the 7 t-shirt rules.

8 Jun

1- T-shirts may be worn when you’re working outside.

2- T-shirts may only be worn during social activities when it’s hotter than 70 degrees AND it’s a purely outdoor event (picnic, beach, etc.) AND you’re the boss of the company AND the t-shirt is pretty nondescript.

3- T-shirts may be worn as part of some philanthropic event where the organizers feel as though unity in color and logo will benefit the cause. However, and listen to me on this one, you may not wear your t-shirt over the collared shirt you put on before you knew they were giving out shirts. Be prepared when you’re going to these things, wear an undershirt so you can make a quick change without exposing the “Thug Life” tattoo you got during your 2Pak phase. West side!

4- You may not wear t-shirts at any other time other than #1 through #3 – for real.

Now you’re crossing the line, Grown Man. My t-shirt is my jam! How are people going to know what bands I’m interested in?!

Listen Grown Man, you are an individual. I applaud the fact that you’ve got unique style and expression. However, use things like, oh I don’t know, music, poetry, writing, painting, spoken word, freestyle hip-hop dance, etc., to express yourself. T-shirts : self-expression :: Becky #2 : Roseanne. It just doesn’t work that well.

Moving on…

5- No inappropriate t-shirts – ever. You’ve really got to own the fact that inappropriate shirts paint with a pretty broad joke-brush. When you walk through the mall in your I Just _____ed your Sister shirt, some people think it’s kinda funny, some people are offended, nobody thinks you’re an adult. Think about a 10-year-old who’s chillin’ out waiting for his turn at Auntie Anne’s, that kid shouldn’t be reading that junk.

6- Funny t-shirts are dead. Sorry about this, but they are. I know they make fantastic jokes, in fact, I’ve got about 4 good ones in my head that are dying to get out. But we need to stay strong and realize that the fad is over and the humor bar must be maintained.

7- You may never, ever, in any scenario, wear a t-shirt at work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this can’t be a rule, I work at one of those super-rad work places where people don’t care about your attire – they’re beyond that. They care about you as a person and don’t live by your ivory-tower rules. I hate you, Grown Man.

First of all, you don’t hate me – you love me. You know why? Because deep down inside, you’re dying for someone to tell you what I’m about to say:

It doesn’t matter how progressive and cool your company is. Your company can be a mecca in the middle of Indie-a. I’ll give you that one again: INDIE-a. Wow. Anyhow, we live in a society that, right or wrong, still views dressing well as sign of professionalism. Your company may be amazing (I work at one of those myself), but when you’ve got something important to say, you’ll have more of a voice if you’re not wearing a I Slept With The Girl In Hanson shirt. It may not be fair, but it’s true.

That is all.

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