Tag Archives: outdoors

go outside.

30 Jun

We’re coming up on a long weekend and, at this point in the week, I’m sure you’ve completely checked out and are planning your three-day nothing-fest.  Oh the places you will go!  Maybe you’ll have a big Saturday and parlay pancakes into an ice-chest full of back porch Miller Light and round third on an evening of on-line gaming.  Oh no, better yet, maybe you’ll get really active and work out that thumb, switching between Wimbledon and World Cup.  Man, the 4th of July’s gonna’ rule! I love independence!

www.nps.org

Guys, we’ve begun equating relaxation with inactivity.  We’ve lost touch with the Earth – our dominion, our home, and our sanctuary.  What we’ve done is sought out comfort at all costs and forgotten how good it feels have dirt in our hands, sun on our necks, and fresh air to breath.  It’s time to get back to the basics.

Here’s the homework:  This weekend, go outside.  For real, start planning something right now that will aid in reintroducing you to the Earth.  Maybe you could take a nice hike, kayak, or bike ride. Maybe you could go so far as to buy a cheap tent and spend a night outside (it’s called camping).  Whatever you do, go beyond working in the yard and find, at least, a semi-beautiful place and bask in it. And by bask, I mean get rid of the phone, sweat a little bit,  look/smell/touch things, and be present for whatever may present itself.  Your instincts will take over when you get there.

Now listen, I know you’ve got World Cup fever (when will this terrible event end!) and have been working hard.  I don’t want to guilt you into not enjoying your home and 97 inch TV.   What I want from you is balance.  A balance between TV and nature, air conditioning and photosynthesis, your natural habitat and the one you’re paying monthly on.

Grown Men, go outside.

Ask A Grown Man: Vol. I

17 Jun

What a great response to this, the inaugural Ask A Grown Man post.  Let’s get this party started…

Is getting pissed at someone while driving ever acceptable when you’re with your lady friend?

James

Yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to get pissed all you want.  In fact, right now, start thinking about the most angry moment in your life.  Got it?  Are all the other kids from 2nd grade there?  Is your lower lip quivering with the sting of Kyle Poopkowski’s right hook?  Seethe in that moment, let the Dark Side engulf you, Luke.  Now that you’re angry, is it affecting anyone?  Nope. It’s still just you, at your job, wasting time on a blog, and mad as hell.  And guess what? Getting mad is totally fine.

James, the question you’re really asking is, “Is acting out on my anger while driving acceptable?”  And that, my brother in temperance, is met with a resounding no.  Going nuts in the car (with or without a lady-friend) is one of the most passive and pointless forms of anger.  Grown Men love to lose their crap behind the wheel because they know there won’t be any actual confrontation.  It’s an easy way to feel tough, without actually being tough.  Grown Men are supposed to be brave though – not passive.

Don’t get me wrong, cars are death machines that, in the end, will likely be the undoing of our civilization.  Furthermore, it’s perfectly understandable that when a fellow driver almost kills you and your loved ones, you’ll get upset.  The real test of a man isn’t if he gets mad, but how he responds to that anger.  I suggest waving and smiling to the offending driver, it really pisses them off.

-GM

Liberal or Conservative?

Jon M.

Educated and passionate.

Grown Men are entitled to different ideologies, but they’re not permitted to be passive.

-GM

Hey GM,

How can I get my [girlfriend] to start working out? You are the only one with the intelligence and creativity to help me! Hahahaha

Wally

You better be hahahahaha-ing, Wally, because you’re just about to lose your girlfriend.  You know you can’t ever, ever, ever, under any circumstances, ever, mention “wanting her to work out more”, right?  Wally, take it from the Beav., you are going to crush your girlfriend if you ask that question.  However, you can:

1- Model a healthy lifestyle in the hopes that you don’t die at 50 and she follows suit.
2- Reexamine your perception of beauty and make changes in you that allow you to see that you’ve fooled a beautiful woman into dating you.
3- Break up with her.

What?

Yep, if you can’t do #1 or #2 (snicker) and she’s just not attractive to you anymore, end it.  I’m telling you,  this woman deserves to be with someone who thinks she is the cat’s pajamas for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.  Would it be great if she started working out?  Yes – for her.  Should she be with someone who is hella-attracted to her no-matter what? Yes sir, she should.

Good luck, Wally.  I bet you don’t think I’m that intelligent and creative now, do you?

-GM

Dear Grown Man:

How ever did you get so wise?

-Grown Woman who wishes more grown men read and learned from your blog

GWWWMGMRALFYB, this is the unanswerable question that has vexed generations of scholars.  I assume it’s a healthy diet of fiber and beer, but I can’t be sure really.

The real question is, how ever did you get so nice? Thanks for the thought-provoking question, I’ll be thinking about it all day.

-GM

And, last but not least….

Why is it that nice guys finish last all the time? Why do we have to wait till we are older to finally stop getting the short end of the stick?

Daniel

I’m so sorry Daniel, we’re all out of time.

Just kidding, bud – step away from the ledge.  I’m sorry you feel like you’re getting the short end of the stick in life.  I promise you, if you keep eating a healthy breakfast, being as polite as you can be, and going outside every weekend – you’ll finish first.

Girls that go for bad guys are not the ones you’re looking for.  You’re a good man, Daniel, don’t change that because you’re older and, I’m presuming, still searching for a lady-friend.  However, don’t roll over and wallow in self-pity.  Ask a girl out for coffee – this week – and if you get rejected, buy yourself a pint at the local pub and let it go.  Then, like the back of the shampoo bottles say: wash, rinse, repeat.  Never stop being bold – even if you’re the last nice guy on earth.

-GM

Well, that’s all for this week, thanks for reading.  Do you have anything you want to ask a Grown Man?

carry a pocket knife.

14 Jun

Somewhere around 12 years old, some Grown Man (maybe your dad, grandpa, Scoutmaster, cool old guy next door) eyeballs you and thinks, “I might trust that boy enough not to kill himself with a lethal weapon.” That wise Miyagi goes to his old artillery box that’s tucked somewhere in the deepest recesses of the garage, and pulls out [cue single spot light and choir] – Excalibur. The clouds part, Seraphim and Cherubim sing “Holy, Holy, Holy” and the heavens present the finest tool known in all of creation-a two-inch, single blade, folding pocket knife.

Your mind races, your heart is fluttering, and your hands – now at one with the steely killing device-are surprisingly steady.  The world is a different place for you. Now, you’re  contemplating what animals in the back yard might need a good killin’.  Now, you look at your climbing tree and realize that every one of its mighty branches is a spear that has yet to be carved.  Now, you look at yourself in the mirror at night as you brush your teeth with a Return Of The Jedi toothbrush and know, with absolute certainty, that you are not to be messed with.

Gentlemen, carrying a pocket knife makes any little boy feel like the shiz.  And guess what, it makes big boys like you feel the same way.  When we hold our knife, we are gripping possibilities of protection, creation, and adventure.  We know that when we put on our sensible Dockers and resign ourselves, yet again, to the fact that we won’t be an Astronaut, that hidden in the little sub-pocket is a secret.  A secret that beckons us back to sunny days in the backyard and a life that was complicated only by the sun going down and having to be nice to our sister.

If you’ve never been given a knife, consider me your Miyagi.  I’m telling you to take your next $50 of random money – don’t buy your knife (or anything) on credit – and head to a store.  Don’t go online with this purchase, it won’t feel the same.  Head to Sears, the Army/Navy store or, if you live in Mayberry, the General Store.  Find one without a logo (Playboy? Seriously, you’re a Grown Man) and make sure it’s a standard color.  I suggest a knife by good manufacturer like Case XX*. They’re classic Americana. But trust me on this point, as you gaze over display, the right knife will find you.  Just be 12 again, you’ll know what to do.

You’re a Grown Man, carry a pocket knife.  You’ll feel good and you’ll be the hit of the office when it comes to opening those damn FedEx boxes.

Note: Special thanks to NotAJedi for submitting the idea for this post.  Have an idea of your own? Email me.

*Case XX didn’t pay me or anything crazy like that, I just really like the product.

care about the environment.

11 Jun

I have a theory that once-a-week the trash man puts a gigantic “We-Cycle” magnet over the “Kill Everything” logo that’s usually on the side of his truck. Then, he drives around and picks up the little blue bins of faithfully sorted cans and newspapers and heads directly for – wait for it – the dump. I am crazy, I admit it, but tell me you haven’t considered that?

However, I keep sorting those recyclables, taking them out to the curb (usually when I hear the truck down the street), and feeling the distinct sense of pride that maybe, just maybe, a baby seal won’t choke to death on my Dogfish Head bottle.

Very few issues have polarized the great Grown Men I’ve known more than the environment. I’ve found that there are three categories of environmentalism:

The Rush to Judgements: “All this greenhouse talk is just Chicken Little nonsense! I’ll feed a dolphin styrofoam if I want to!”

The Composters: “We must do everything in our power to address and fix The Inconvenient Truth that human beings are killing the planet! Where’s your cloth shopping bag?!”

Yet many men, a majority in fact, don’t give the environment a second thought, I call them…

The Blank Slates: “Oh my god, bro, we have to do this – Mustache May is going to be SICK!”

Well done guys.

As a side note, all three of these categories of men agree that 1.7 million gallons of BP oil a day into the Gulf of Mexico probably isn’t good for the complexion of turtles. Moving on…

This rest of this post is for the Blank Slates. Why? Because the Rush’s and the Composters have placed such a firmly cemented ideological flag that they can’t be spoken to about this topic. But the Blank Slates, oh the dear, sweet, Blank Slates, those guys will believe anything! “Bro, that girl’s checking you out!” “Bro, I bet you can hit the pool if you jump!” “Bro, that Chocolate Axe is tiiiight!”

Blank Slates, let’s establish the bottom line – the environment is real. How do we know that? Because you’re breathing, eating fruit (loops), and alive. Good, so that’s out of the way. And gentlemen, it’s probably a good idea for you to do everything you can to be a good steward of the environment.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Grown Bro – what the hell’s a steward?”

I’m so sorry. A steward is someone who maintains, manages, and takes care of something. For instance, when you go home from college for a weekend and yell for your mom to bring you “grape soda and Funyuns – ASAP!”, that’s her being a steward to you. When you have to take attendance at your chapter meetings, that’s you being a steward to your “sweet as hell fraternity”. I’ll put it more simply – steward = helper.

Here’s the bottom line: Help out the environment. Maybe it needs it and The Composters are right, maybe The Rush’s are spot-on and we don’t understand the regenerative powers of our planet and all our Y2K-ness just comical. Either way, if you have an option to recycle, why not do it? Maybe my aforementioned conspiracy theory is correct, but maybe it’s actually being recycled – what difference does it make to you? Let’s error on the side of being helpful and not ideological.

Plus, Grown Women will think you’re super in-touch with yourself and enlightened – which can’t hurt your chances.

learn how to take a compliment.

9 Jun

Coworker: “Wow, nice job on that presentation today – you really killed it! I especially liked the comparison between the EU economic crisis and the dissolution of the WWF. Comparing Greece to Greg “The Hammer” Valentine was nothing short of brilliant!”

You: “Oh man, gosh, I don’t know, it wasn’t that good. I totally forgot to mention The Honkey Tonk Man as part of the overarching narrative and what role Turkey (Miss Elizabeth) played.”

Coworker: Geez, well I thought it was good.

You: Whatever, thanks.

RIP Miss Elizabeth


Do you see what happened there? First, I tried way too hard to make old WWF references. Second, in your attempt to be humble, you deflated your friend and denied yourself the pleasure of success.

Here’s the problem, men see humility as a virtue, and pride (the obnoxious kind of pride) as being a detriment to our character. So, in typical dude fashion, we take our feelings way too far and don’t stop to see balance. We are so hung up on not being perceived as arrogant, that we don’t allow others to affirm positive actions or behaviors they see in us. What would it look like if you simply accepted the praise? Would people think you’re completely full of yourself? I don’t think so.

Here’s what you do when someone affirms you – look them in the eyes and say thank you. Don’t talk for hours about how rad you were. Don’t be awkward about it and beg for more by saying things like, “Really? You liked it? I thought the tie-in with “Mean” Gene Okerlund and Sarkozy was too much.” (It was, by the way) Just simply thank the person and move on. You’ll feel good, they’ll feel affirmed – everyone’s a winner! If you’re not an arrogant person, you don’t have to worry about how you are perceived – just be humble and gracious.

Having said all of that, there are two kinds of compliments. One is an affirmation of some aspect of your abilities (we just talked about that one), while the other is praising some characteristic of your appearance. The response of an “appearance” compliment is on a sliding scale and must be handled appropriately. For instance, if your broseph says, “Hey man, that’s a cool shirt, is it from REI?” You say, “Thanks man, I appreciate that. It is from REI.”

However, and here’s where you need to pay attention, if a lady-friend says to you:

“Grown Man, you’ve got amazing forearms. I mean really, they’re so strong! Also, they have the perfect amount of hair – somewhere between Robin Williams and E.T. Have you been working out, Grown Man?”

Don’t say thank you, say:

“Grown Woman, that was a nice compliment. I’d like to take you out to the finest Italian restaurant in all the land. Following our dinner, I’d like to take a walk in the park. When we find a quaint bench by the lake, I’ll pick up a heart-shaped rock and put it in my pocket. That rock will be given back to you in two years – on the day we get engaged at that same, exact, spot. Next, I’d like to treat you to a TCBY frozen yogurt with unlimited toppings. Upon filling our bellies with all the manna our fair city has to offer, I’d like to hear you talk for hours about your hopes and dreams. When you are done talking and can’t stay awake any longer, I will let myself out, make sure the door is locked, and leave you with dignity and respect. And if I may, I’d like to call you in the morning where, upon you answering the phone, you’ll hear me singing a song for you that encapsulates our first date together.”

Or something like that.

vacate.

21 May

That’s where I’ve been – on vacation.

But Grown Man, I LOVE your blog soooooo much, why didn’t you update it for a week?

First, you’ve got to stop using so many o’s. It makes you look like a 6th grade girl. Second, a man must create margins in his life. We’ve got to have times to disconnect, play, enjoy the world outside of the 9 to 5, and feel freedom. Without these margins we get restless and falsely presume that the life we lead is boring. It’s not boring, you and I just need to get out and explore – it’s in our nature.

I would urge you, nay, beg you, to take at least a day and do something that can only be qualified as fun. Don’t carry your iPhoneBerry, don’t worry about the meeting you’re missing, just have a good time and recharge.

I, having recharged fully, am going to give you a sneak peek at next weeks topics:

-germs
-cars
-babies
-reading
-hair product

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