Tag Archives: fashion

get your facial hair under control.

28 Jun

I’ve gotten more emails about this topic than anything else.  And guess what, most of them are from women!  I wonder if that means anything?  Huh.  Maybe our lady-friends are trying to tell us something? Oh no, it must be a coincidence.  Anyhow, here’s a typical email I receive:

“Dearest Grown Man,  I imagine that you’re smooth like Barry, and your voice has bass, you’ve got a body like Arnold with a Denzel face. Anyhow, my boyfriend has this terribly scraggly beard, can you tell him he has to shave it?

Shoop,
Pepa”

Gentlemen, your follicles are becoming your foe.  The woman in your life are telling you so, Don Draper’s telling you so, and now – I’m telling you so.  Facial hair is not a means of self-expression, it’s one of the few options your body gives you to subtly manipulate an otherwise lackluster appearance.  It’s time to learn the rules:

1- You must give your face daily attention.  Many of the men I know go a week, or tragically a month, between giving their face any mind.  They seem to think it’s subtly growing out and nobody notices.  Let me assure you, we notice.  The reason you don’t see it is the same reason you don’t notice that the trash is full, the dog hasn’t been fed in two days, and the children appear to not be wearing pants as you’re driving to the store.  You, my good men, have a one track mind.  On a typical day, you have a very narrow focus:  get up, coffee, work, soccer practice, food, History Channel, sleep.  What I’m telling you is that somewhere between “get up” and “coffee”, you need to check a mirror and manicure your mug.

2- Mind your fads.  Back in the day, when Magnum was chillin’ with Zeus and Apollo, mustaches were awesome.  I’m not going to mock the mustache as, at a point in our history (key word: history), it was acceptable to get married, interview, and live life with a caterpillar on your upper lip.  However, times have changed, and you need to progress.  While I can’t begin to name all the fads in mens facial hair, I will say that a few of recently deceased are:  goatees, soul patches, and fat-guy-neck-beards.

3- Febru-hairy, no-shave-Novermber, etc. are not going to get you a job or lady-friend.  Now listen, I’m not going to get intense on this point and say you can never do it.  I’ve got some really respectable friends who take to growing a handlebar mustache once a year or stop shaving for a period of time to get a laugh.  Believe me, I get it.  However, these are periods of time – not the default.  By default, your facial hair needs to be tidy and unnoticeable.

4-  If you’re dating/married, ask her opinion – her honest opinion.  If she says something like, “Oh, I guess, um, yeah, I like your beard the way it is. It’s really cool how you can tuck it into your belt when we go on roller coasters.  I’d just love to see what it might look like if it was just at your chest though.  I mean, you could still tuck it into your ZZ Top t-shirt when we go to Six Flags.”   I’ve said this before, but when you decide to pair-up with someone, you’re representing them.  You don’t have to lose your individuality, but you do need to find a balance.

5-  Really, the only facial hair options are a full, well trimmed, beard – or nothing.  At the end of the day, everything else is just a look that’s really not helping your cause.  Just suck it up already and do what you know you need to do.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Ask a Grown Man: Vol. II

24 Jun

Sit back, relax, here we go…

Dear Grown Man,

My girlfriends and I all love your blog. It’s nice to know that there still is a grown man out there, somewhere. My question for you is, how do you find him? The last time I told a guy that my friend would probably say “yes” if he asked her out for a drink, the thirty-four year old man-child answered, “Friendship is great, and finding someone to love is even better….but I’m happy being single now.” Now, if my girlfriend weren’t tall, blonde, beautiful, and intelligent, I might understand what he was saying. But as it is, I had no clue how to respond to his insanity. Grown man, what’s a girl to do?

Sincerely,

Camille

Ya Ya Sisterhood,

First, I’m glad you and the girlfriends are all reading the blog and liking it.  In my mind, I always pictured You’re A Grown Man being read by a gaggle of women on Chocotini Thursday.  For real though, thanks for being so nice.  On to your question(s)…

You’re not going to like this, Traveling Pants, but the fella who said “no” was right in doing so.

“Oh no he didn’t!”

Calm down ladies, have another cucumber sandwich.  The truth of the matter is this: When a Grown Man knows himself well enough to say no, even when it’s regarding a “tall, blonde, beautiful, intelligent, brain surgeon, mid-wife, spiritual healer, ex-convict” friend like you’re describing, he must really be honest.  That man, we’ll call him Missed The Bus, can be trusted to say the honest thing – even when it’s unpopular. It’s clear by his response that his no means no and his yes means yes.  This is, I’m sure you’ll agree, a rarity in the dating world.  And while I’m sorry that he didn’t jump on the opportunity to go on a nice date, I’d rather him say no then placate feelings.

One more thing.  Camille’s friend (the aforementioned spiritual healer, ex-convict), I know that a “no” from a good man can feel as crappy as a “yes” from a shady one.  You’re worth many yes’s – just keep on keepin’ on.

Eat, Pray, Love,

GM

I am (at least I try to be) a Grown Man, but I still have my dental braces on. Is there a problem in using non-neutral colors in my braces’ elastic ties?

-Igor

Igor (Pictured on the left. For real, that’s him, I got it off his Twitter account.),

Heck of a question my Brazilian friend!  The answer is two-fold, brace yourself (snicker):

First, your default dental posture needs to be neutral colored bands.  Teeth, like Milford Men (American joke referencing the television show Arrested Development), should be neither seen nor heard.  If you focus on drawing attention to your personality and unbelievable etiquette, people will naturally be drawn to your true colors.

Second, vaya Brazil!, vaya World Cup!, vaya three hour long tie-games!  This is a special time for you “other Football” people and one that deserves celebration.  As long as you can change out the bands pretty quickly should an occasion arise like, say, being at work, flaunt that green and yellow.  However, the moment the World Cup ends, zip over to your ortodontista and get back to being a Grown Man.

Goooooooooooooooooooooooooal,

GM

Dear GM,

What is a Grown Man’s description of a Grown Woman?

-GW (hopefully)

GW (definitely),

A person who knows she’s a Grown Women without a Grown Man telling her so.

-GM (sincerely)

As always, thanks for reading and commenting. You all make the site way more interesting that I ever could.  Until next week, keep asking those great questions!

know the 7 t-shirt rules.

8 Jun

1- T-shirts may be worn when you’re working outside.

2- T-shirts may only be worn during social activities when it’s hotter than 70 degrees AND it’s a purely outdoor event (picnic, beach, etc.) AND you’re the boss of the company AND the t-shirt is pretty nondescript.

3- T-shirts may be worn as part of some philanthropic event where the organizers feel as though unity in color and logo will benefit the cause. However, and listen to me on this one, you may not wear your t-shirt over the collared shirt you put on before you knew they were giving out shirts. Be prepared when you’re going to these things, wear an undershirt so you can make a quick change without exposing the “Thug Life” tattoo you got during your 2Pak phase. West side!

4- You may not wear t-shirts at any other time other than #1 through #3 – for real.

Now you’re crossing the line, Grown Man. My t-shirt is my jam! How are people going to know what bands I’m interested in?!

Listen Grown Man, you are an individual. I applaud the fact that you’ve got unique style and expression. However, use things like, oh I don’t know, music, poetry, writing, painting, spoken word, freestyle hip-hop dance, etc., to express yourself. T-shirts : self-expression :: Becky #2 : Roseanne. It just doesn’t work that well.

Moving on…

5- No inappropriate t-shirts – ever. You’ve really got to own the fact that inappropriate shirts paint with a pretty broad joke-brush. When you walk through the mall in your I Just _____ed your Sister shirt, some people think it’s kinda funny, some people are offended, nobody thinks you’re an adult. Think about a 10-year-old who’s chillin’ out waiting for his turn at Auntie Anne’s, that kid shouldn’t be reading that junk.

6- Funny t-shirts are dead. Sorry about this, but they are. I know they make fantastic jokes, in fact, I’ve got about 4 good ones in my head that are dying to get out. But we need to stay strong and realize that the fad is over and the humor bar must be maintained.

7- You may never, ever, in any scenario, wear a t-shirt at work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this can’t be a rule, I work at one of those super-rad work places where people don’t care about your attire – they’re beyond that. They care about you as a person and don’t live by your ivory-tower rules. I hate you, Grown Man.

First of all, you don’t hate me – you love me. You know why? Because deep down inside, you’re dying for someone to tell you what I’m about to say:

It doesn’t matter how progressive and cool your company is. Your company can be a mecca in the middle of Indie-a. I’ll give you that one again: INDIE-a. Wow. Anyhow, we live in a society that, right or wrong, still views dressing well as sign of professionalism. Your company may be amazing (I work at one of those myself), but when you’ve got something important to say, you’ll have more of a voice if you’re not wearing a I Slept With The Girl In Hanson shirt. It may not be fair, but it’s true.

That is all.

be prepared for, “do I look fat in this dress?”.

7 Jun

Let’s watch this unfold…

[Woman is in the bedroom getting ready. You’re in the next room playing World of OhMyGodYou’reSuchADork]

Woman declares from the distance: “I look terrible, I hate this dress!”

[A single bead of sweat forms on your brow. She continues getting ready - you are silent. The enemy is all around. You taste adrenaline, you hear the fleeting attempts at zipping a dress, your breathing is shallow - soon you’ll be fighting for your life.]

Woman: “I mean what the hell?! Why are bridesmaids dresses always ridiculous? Like I’ll ever wear this again…$200! … f#$*&ing zipper!…”

[She begins to walk towards you. Her heals click, click, click, click - like a bomb sitting patiently before its havoc. Your heart is racing, your hands are steady, your mind is blank.]

[She is standing in front of you.]

Woman: “For real, tell me, do I look fat in this dress?”

[She locks eyes with you. You hesitate...]

Game over.

Gentlemen, the “do I look fat?” question has become a famous punchline for men not knowing what to say. The truth is, this question sits at the pinnacle of a mountain of inquiries that seemingly put us between a rock and a hard spot. We get questions all the time that we don’t know how to answer:

Q: “Do you like my mom?”
Q: “I’m thinking sea-foam and sunrise for our wedding colors. Or maybe blush and bashful, what do you think?”
Q: “I don’t get it, do you love cigarettes more than me?”

Oh the conundrum. If you tell the truth (“Yes, I’d rather go to Bonnaroo than your grandmothers funeral.”), you’re screwed. If you lie, you’re not a Grown Man (“Blech, I don’t even like seeing my friends, let’s go get crunk with your girls!”).

Gentlemen, there’s a third option that’s rarely employed – using your brain and thinking about thinking. You see, our lady-friends are smart as hell. Very rarely do they ask a question that truly needs an answer from you. This kind of question is called a rhetorical question where no formal answer is needed. In dumb-guy terms, they don’t need your help, they are requesting your support.

Grown Man, then why in God’s green freaking earth don’t they just ask what they want to ask!?

To that I would reply, why don’t you? Who among us is self-aware enough to be Spock-like and just move through life with complete logic? When your lady-friend is looking at herself in the mirror and feeling less than ideal, she’s unhappy, she’s embarrassed, and she’s frustrated. You may know she looks fantastic, but she doesn’t feel that way in that moment – and that’s all that matters.

Here’s the secret: Answer the overriding feeling, not the actual question. It’s not dodging, it’s the only way out of the rock and hard spot.

Q: “Do you like my mom?”
A: “I know how important your mom is to you and I want to get to know her better.”

Q: “I’m thinking sea-foam and sunrise…[too long]… wedding colors. What do you think?”
A: “I’m super-excited about our wedding! And while I’m completely colorblind and have no taste [self-deprecation always works], I’d love to do my best to help with these kinds of decisions.”

Q: “I don’t get it, do you love cigarettes more than me?”
A: “I don’t love anything more than you.” (Also idiot, cigarettes will kill you.)

and finally…

Q: “Do I look fat in this dress?”
A: “C’mon, you’re the loveliest lady I’ve ever seen! I’m sorry you’re upset. Why aren’t you happy with that dress?”

Affirm, understand, reframe, back to video games – just like that.

Grown Men, communication is incredibly hard, full of grey area, and a lifelong process. Depending on how well you know your significant other, there may be times when you say, “Yep, those aren’t the most flattering jeans on you.” But in general, we need to think about the larger picture of what’s really being asked and answer accordingly.

Good luck with this one.

go to a barbershop, not a salon.

4 Jun

Gentlemen, we’re lost in the woods. We’re stuck in a confusing land of exfoliation, mani-pedi’s, “product”, manscaping, cuticle therapy, and $50 hair cuts – it’s time to escape.

credit: www.chrisdetrick.com

In all likelihood, you go to a salon. Your salon probably has one of those über trendy names that means nothing and is, inevitably, followed by a grammatically incorrect period. avenue rust. salon randy. sheer 613. Furthermore, your salon makes you set an appointment for a “styling”, makes you get your hair washed beforehand (uncomfortable and affair-ish), and puts you square in the middle of a conversation between stylists regarding the cuteness of Justin Bieber. Men, your salon is no place for a Grown Man.

But Grown Man, I have a specific hair style that only my stylist can do!

Simple rule: If your cute quiff can’t be maintained an 80-year-old WWII veteran with scissors, a straight edge, and grizzled old-dude fingers – it’s not a haircut fit for a man. Believe me when I say this, women like men who look normal. They’re not looking for faux-hawks, they’re looking for an adult.

Here’s what you need to be looking for as you switch from boutique to barber:

1- Find a random barber in a remote corner of your town. If that place looks somewhat unkempt on the outside and you’re not 100% comfortable leaving your car out of sight, you’re in the zone.

2- No chain hair places. Many chains offer cheap haircuts and will have you “in and out in 15 minutes”. However, a cheap and quick haircut usually looks like, well, a cheap and quick haircut.

3- A good barber can do two haircuts: “high on the sides” (flat-top) and “a little off the ears” (George Clooney). Your barber won’t ask what you want, he’ll cut what you need. Relinquish your type-a-ness (gross) and let the guy work.

4- They don’t take appointments, credit cards, or women. All of these things in their own way are fantastic (and one of them smells good), but none of them have any business in a barber shop.

5- The shop shouldn’t have a name other than [insert name]’s Barber Shop. They do this because a man puts his name on something he loves. Think of it this way, when we’re little and we get a Red Flyer Wagon, we flip it over and scrawl Grown Man on the bottom. When we get married, we totally annoy our wives by asking them to spend five years changing social security cards and drivers licenses just so we can see our name attached to someone we love. A barber shop is a man’s business and livelihood, he cares about it and wants you to know that you can expect a level quality that could only come from his name being on the door.

Grown Men, find a local barber, bring cash, and enjoy updating your look. They’ll remember your name, give you a respectable haircut, and will never – EVER – talk about Justin Bieber.

Enjoy the weekend, and thank you for reading and commenting.

quit wearing those v-neck shirts.

19 Apr

Do you know the shirts I’m talking about? Yes, the t-shirts that take an unexpected plunge towards the man breast and show off all that lovely Gaston carpet.

Lately, an incredible amount of girl jeans guys have rocked this shirt and are getting away with it. I say nay. First, because it’s typically unacceptable to be wearing a t-shirt in public.

“But Grown Man, I’m just hanging out with my dawgs on a Friday night! Why can’t I wear what I want?”

Because you’re an adult. Sometimes, you just make concessions for dressing your age and not looking like the freshman dorm, let’s get drunk and punch each other, I still miss my mom and call her everyday, version of yourself.

The second reason that it’s not cool to be v-necking is that your chest is ugly. Do you have hair on your chest? Ugly. Do you have one of those weird, ultra-smooth, hairless chests? Ugly. Do you have those unseemly freckles and weird little red mini-zits? Oh lord, I’m gagging. In any scenario, your v-neck shows off a part of you that, like most parts on guys, is unattractive and counterproductive to any hopes you might have of reproduction and furthering the species.

Get a freakin’ polo already.

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