Tag Archives: clothing

get serious about your scent.

16 Jul

I have a friend named Randy.  Randy is just one of those cool dudes who you pay attention to while trying to look like your not paying attention at all.  You know what I’m saying?  For instance, Randy comes to work wearing a pair of cowboy boots and, one week later, all of his disciples are wearing cowboy boots. Nobody came up to him and said, “Holy Roy Rogers, those are some sick boots bro! You’re so cool, Randy!”  Nope, they all just got in their Civics after work and scoured the land for old-looking, brand-new, Randy-like boots.  Man, Randy is the coolest.

Recently however, Randy and I came to an impasse.  The conversation went something like this:

Randy: Do Grown Men wear cologne?
GM: No, Grown Men wear self-respect and adulthood, they shouldn’t smell like anything.
Randy: But I wear cologne.
[Oh god, I don't know how to process this, Randy is so cool, my defenses are weakening]
GM: Really?  You’re such a Grown Man, I didn’t peg you for an Axe kinda’ chap.
[Randy's wife chimes in...]
Tootie: Randy smells amazing. In fact, a lot of people say that Randy is the best smelling man on the planet.
Randy: For real, smell me.
[Randy motions for me to smell his collar. I am powerless. I smell it.]
GM: Wow, Randy.  You do smell good.
[blushing]
Randy: See?  See what I’m saying?  It’s a really unknown cologne called [I don't remember the name, though I'm pretty sure it was McConaughey #4].  Doesn’t it smell good?

Indeed it does, cool Randy.  Indeed it does.

Following that experience, I decided to change my stance on cologne and man-scent in general.  Previously, I was adamant that no man should smell like anything other than the sweat of his labor or a campfire.   However, something in aforementioned conversation alerted me to a factor that was worth considering.  Tootie liked the way Randy smelled – a lot.  And felles, if something as simple as a dash of Parfum du Pitt gives her that much enjoyment, you’ve got to go for it.

Here are the rules that Randy and I agreed upon for proper, Grown Man, musk management:

-You can’t wear cologne to try to attract a lady-friend.

-If you have attracted a lady-friend, she has to like it.

-You’ve got to keep it to one spray.  Putting on cologne is akin to using your library voice – soft enough for the person across from you, not loud enough for the whole room.  ONE SPRAY!

-Anything that says “body spray” is not cologne – it’s teenage marketing.  Stay away!  For real, Chocolate Axe might be the first horsemen of the Apocalypse.  Pick something that exudes class – like Randy.

That’s it gentlemen, smell good and have a great weekend.  Thanks, as always, for taking the time to read and comment!

Ask a Grown Man: Vol. V

15 Jul

Good Thursday, Grown Men.  Let’s do this thang…

Dear Grown Man,

I work in one of those “cool” places where people come into work wearing T-Shirts, including the two owners. I wear casual button downs most of the time, so at least I’m making some headway.

What about shoes, though? [I cut out some stuff] Sneakers in the work place are for teenagers working at a fast food joint…it doesn’t matter how nice they are. So what should I be wearing?!

Thanks,
Ben

Benjamin,

We have two things to talk about.  First, you need to have a good old fashion uprising in your office.   It is ridiculous that a man with your fashion forward mind should consider, even for a moment, working for those goons.  Today’s the day, Benny Boy.  Walk right in there, inform them that there’s no room for Ed Hardy in a Brooks Brothers world, and demand their jobs.  When they refuse, make sure they notice the pitchfork and torches that you and the other button-down-boys are holding and give them an ultimatum – either they dress like freaking adults, or they shall be brained.

Second, the fact that you’ve even considered what shoes to wear gives me a great amount of hope for you.  Allow me to honor your inquiry with some well-organized bullet points regarding shoe selection:

No kidding, I owned these exact shoes.

-You may not ever wear sneakers to work UNLESS your company is having some sort of outdoor activity that forces you all to walk in a 5k on a Saturday morning in matching t-shirts.  Even “teenagers working at a fast food joint” should have the work ethic to wear standard issue black restaurant shoes instead of flashy British Knights (or whatever the kids are wearing now).

-As you so astutely pointed out, your suit shoes shouldn’t be your 9-5 shoes.  You really need to own shoes that are only worn with your suit(s).  They should remain well polished and kept in the box until very special occasions.

-Your 9-5 shoes need to be somewhere on the spectrum between your Indie-boss kicks and the suit shoes.  I would avoid patent (shiny) leather and overly trendy colored shoes.  Brown or black, tasteful, and timeless are always good guidelines.  However, I respect a Grown Man’s decision to have a unique style, so if you must show some flair, do it in a way that doesn’t elicit memories of juice boxes and recess.

Ben, I hope this helps and thanks for giving a crap about how you appear at work.  Prepare for the uprising my friend – the revolution is now.

My Adidas,
GM

Why do men not give their girlfriends compliments after the first 3 months? My friends and I can get compliments from other men all day long, but the one she wants them from doesn’t give them.

-Christine

Christine,

Men DO give their girlfriends compliments after the first three months, years, and decades.  The “men” you are speaking of are hunter/gatherers who give compliments to lure women and get their fill of emotional and/or physical affirmation.  When these men finish the chase, they simply begin the process of discarding the carcass and moving on.  I assure you, the man you speak of is giving complements to some woman – just not “your friend”.

Your friend,
GM

Grown man, are you a Christian dude or just extremely conservative?

Ted Haggard,

Hold on, you almost got me on this one.  So you’re implying that I must be either a Christian dude OR conservative?  Aren’t there liberal Christians?  Aren’t there conservative atheists?  Wait, wait, I’ve got a good one – aren’t there libertarian Lutherans?  Okay, it wasn’t that good.  In any event, a Grown Man never talks politics or religion in one-sided, public forums.  Blogs are meant for tomfoolery and pictures of messed up cakes.

Tea Party Pentecostal,
GM

Until next week, keep asking those great questions!


know the 7 t-shirt rules.

8 Jun

1- T-shirts may be worn when you’re working outside.

2- T-shirts may only be worn during social activities when it’s hotter than 70 degrees AND it’s a purely outdoor event (picnic, beach, etc.) AND you’re the boss of the company AND the t-shirt is pretty nondescript.

3- T-shirts may be worn as part of some philanthropic event where the organizers feel as though unity in color and logo will benefit the cause. However, and listen to me on this one, you may not wear your t-shirt over the collared shirt you put on before you knew they were giving out shirts. Be prepared when you’re going to these things, wear an undershirt so you can make a quick change without exposing the “Thug Life” tattoo you got during your 2Pak phase. West side!

4- You may not wear t-shirts at any other time other than #1 through #3 – for real.

Now you’re crossing the line, Grown Man. My t-shirt is my jam! How are people going to know what bands I’m interested in?!

Listen Grown Man, you are an individual. I applaud the fact that you’ve got unique style and expression. However, use things like, oh I don’t know, music, poetry, writing, painting, spoken word, freestyle hip-hop dance, etc., to express yourself. T-shirts : self-expression :: Becky #2 : Roseanne. It just doesn’t work that well.

Moving on…

5- No inappropriate t-shirts – ever. You’ve really got to own the fact that inappropriate shirts paint with a pretty broad joke-brush. When you walk through the mall in your I Just _____ed your Sister shirt, some people think it’s kinda funny, some people are offended, nobody thinks you’re an adult. Think about a 10-year-old who’s chillin’ out waiting for his turn at Auntie Anne’s, that kid shouldn’t be reading that junk.

6- Funny t-shirts are dead. Sorry about this, but they are. I know they make fantastic jokes, in fact, I’ve got about 4 good ones in my head that are dying to get out. But we need to stay strong and realize that the fad is over and the humor bar must be maintained.

7- You may never, ever, in any scenario, wear a t-shirt at work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this can’t be a rule, I work at one of those super-rad work places where people don’t care about your attire – they’re beyond that. They care about you as a person and don’t live by your ivory-tower rules. I hate you, Grown Man.

First of all, you don’t hate me – you love me. You know why? Because deep down inside, you’re dying for someone to tell you what I’m about to say:

It doesn’t matter how progressive and cool your company is. Your company can be a mecca in the middle of Indie-a. I’ll give you that one again: INDIE-a. Wow. Anyhow, we live in a society that, right or wrong, still views dressing well as sign of professionalism. Your company may be amazing (I work at one of those myself), but when you’ve got something important to say, you’ll have more of a voice if you’re not wearing a I Slept With The Girl In Hanson shirt. It may not be fair, but it’s true.

That is all.

be prepared for, “do I look fat in this dress?”.

7 Jun

Let’s watch this unfold…

[Woman is in the bedroom getting ready. You’re in the next room playing World of OhMyGodYou’reSuchADork]

Woman declares from the distance: “I look terrible, I hate this dress!”

[A single bead of sweat forms on your brow. She continues getting ready - you are silent. The enemy is all around. You taste adrenaline, you hear the fleeting attempts at zipping a dress, your breathing is shallow - soon you’ll be fighting for your life.]

Woman: “I mean what the hell?! Why are bridesmaids dresses always ridiculous? Like I’ll ever wear this again…$200! … f#$*&ing zipper!…”

[She begins to walk towards you. Her heals click, click, click, click - like a bomb sitting patiently before its havoc. Your heart is racing, your hands are steady, your mind is blank.]

[She is standing in front of you.]

Woman: “For real, tell me, do I look fat in this dress?”

[She locks eyes with you. You hesitate...]

Game over.

Gentlemen, the “do I look fat?” question has become a famous punchline for men not knowing what to say. The truth is, this question sits at the pinnacle of a mountain of inquiries that seemingly put us between a rock and a hard spot. We get questions all the time that we don’t know how to answer:

Q: “Do you like my mom?”
Q: “I’m thinking sea-foam and sunrise for our wedding colors. Or maybe blush and bashful, what do you think?”
Q: “I don’t get it, do you love cigarettes more than me?”

Oh the conundrum. If you tell the truth (“Yes, I’d rather go to Bonnaroo than your grandmothers funeral.”), you’re screwed. If you lie, you’re not a Grown Man (“Blech, I don’t even like seeing my friends, let’s go get crunk with your girls!”).

Gentlemen, there’s a third option that’s rarely employed – using your brain and thinking about thinking. You see, our lady-friends are smart as hell. Very rarely do they ask a question that truly needs an answer from you. This kind of question is called a rhetorical question where no formal answer is needed. In dumb-guy terms, they don’t need your help, they are requesting your support.

Grown Man, then why in God’s green freaking earth don’t they just ask what they want to ask!?

To that I would reply, why don’t you? Who among us is self-aware enough to be Spock-like and just move through life with complete logic? When your lady-friend is looking at herself in the mirror and feeling less than ideal, she’s unhappy, she’s embarrassed, and she’s frustrated. You may know she looks fantastic, but she doesn’t feel that way in that moment – and that’s all that matters.

Here’s the secret: Answer the overriding feeling, not the actual question. It’s not dodging, it’s the only way out of the rock and hard spot.

Q: “Do you like my mom?”
A: “I know how important your mom is to you and I want to get to know her better.”

Q: “I’m thinking sea-foam and sunrise…[too long]… wedding colors. What do you think?”
A: “I’m super-excited about our wedding! And while I’m completely colorblind and have no taste [self-deprecation always works], I’d love to do my best to help with these kinds of decisions.”

Q: “I don’t get it, do you love cigarettes more than me?”
A: “I don’t love anything more than you.” (Also idiot, cigarettes will kill you.)

and finally…

Q: “Do I look fat in this dress?”
A: “C’mon, you’re the loveliest lady I’ve ever seen! I’m sorry you’re upset. Why aren’t you happy with that dress?”

Affirm, understand, reframe, back to video games – just like that.

Grown Men, communication is incredibly hard, full of grey area, and a lifelong process. Depending on how well you know your significant other, there may be times when you say, “Yep, those aren’t the most flattering jeans on you.” But in general, we need to think about the larger picture of what’s really being asked and answer accordingly.

Good luck with this one.

quit going shirtless.

26 Apr

While at a large festival yesterday, I was appalled by the number of men walking around with no shirt. Mind you, this wasn’t a NASCAR event or a PETA rally where fat dudes are saying no to fur. It was, in fact, a pie festival – in a rich neighborhood – with old people – and a dude playing the banjo.

Gentlemen, need I remind you that you’re ugly? Girls aren’t seeing your supple man-breasts and thinking, “Now that’s a guy worthy of my child-bearing years.” A shirt was designed, in part, so you could hide your weird chest zits and let women live under the illusion that you aren’t as tubby as you are.

Also, it just kind of makes you look like you’re trying too hard. Remember, desperation doesn’t lead to procreation.

P.S. You’ll also get skin cancer without a shirt on.

offer a lady your coat.

20 Apr

The secretary at my place of employment is always cold. To me, it’s perfect in the office, if not a shade warm. However, while I’ve got my midday arm pit sweat going, she’s shivering and turning blue. Why is this happening? I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation other than the fact she’s 110 pounds lighter than me. Whatever the reason, the secretary now has my North Face fleece permanently draped around her office chair and uses it almost constantly.

Gentlemen, when you’re with a lady and you see a slight shiver, hear a chatter of teeth, or hold her hand and wince in cryogenic pain – take off your jacket and insist that she wear it.

“But Grown Man, if she has my jacket, I’ll be cold!”

Oh my god, I want to punch you. Be cold. Your layer of Doritos fat could keep you alive for 3 days.

If this is your special lady-friend, giving her a coat can be a romantic gesture. If it’s the [insert title of non romantic woman], don’t be suave, just let her know that it’s hanging on the coat rack should she choose to grab it. Giving a woman your coat is one of the finer points of etiquette that is being lost in our generation. Let’s bring it back and let the women of our lives know that their warmth is important to us.

As a side note, this is why you don’t wear stupid jackets. You never know what self-respecting woman is going to be embarrassed in your “FBI: Federal Boob Inspector” hoodie.

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