I’ve gotten more emails about this topic than anything else. And guess what, most of them are from women! I wonder if that means anything? Huh. Maybe our lady-friends are trying to tell us something? Oh no, it must be a coincidence. Anyhow, here’s a typical email I receive:
“Dearest Grown Man, I imagine that you’re smooth like Barry, and your voice has bass, you’ve got a body like Arnold with a Denzel face. Anyhow, my boyfriend has this terribly scraggly beard, can you tell him he has to shave it?
Shoop,
Pepa”
Gentlemen, your follicles are becoming your foe. The woman in your life are telling you so, Don Draper’s telling you so, and now – I’m telling you so. Facial hair is not a means of self-expression, it’s one of the few options your body gives you to subtly manipulate an otherwise lackluster appearance. It’s time to learn the rules:
1- You must give your face daily attention. Many of the men I know go a week, or tragically a month, between giving their face any mind. They seem to think it’s subtly growing out and nobody notices. Let me assure you, we notice. The reason you don’t see it is the same reason you don’t notice that the trash is full, the dog hasn’t been fed in two days, and the children appear to not be wearing pants as you’re driving to the store. You, my good men, have a one track mind. On a typical day, you have a very narrow focus: get up, coffee, work, soccer practice, food, History Channel, sleep. What I’m telling you is that somewhere between “get up” and “coffee”, you need to check a mirror and manicure your mug.
2- Mind your fads. Back in the day, when Magnum was chillin’ with Zeus and Apollo, mustaches were awesome. I’m not going to mock the mustache as, at a point in our history (key word: history), it was acceptable to get married, interview, and live life with a caterpillar on your upper lip. However, times have changed, and you need to progress. While I can’t begin to name all the fads in mens facial hair, I will say that a few of recently deceased are: goatees, soul patches, and fat-guy-neck-beards.
3- Febru-hairy, no-shave-Novermber, etc. are not going to get you a job or lady-friend. Now listen, I’m not going to get intense on this point and say you can never do it. I’ve got some really respectable friends who take to growing a handlebar mustache once a year or stop shaving for a period of time to get a laugh. Believe me, I get it. However, these are periods of time – not the default. By default, your facial hair needs to be tidy and unnoticeable.
4- If you’re dating/married, ask her opinion – her honest opinion. If she says something like, “Oh, I guess, um, yeah, I like your beard the way it is. It’s really cool how you can tuck it into your belt when we go on roller coasters. I’d just love to see what it might look like if it was just at your chest though. I mean, you could still tuck it into your ZZ Top t-shirt when we go to Six Flags.” I’ve said this before, but when you decide to pair-up with someone, you’re representing them. You don’t have to lose your individuality, but you do need to find a balance.
5- Really, the only facial hair options are a full, well trimmed, beard – or nothing. At the end of the day, everything else is just a look that’s really not helping your cause. Just suck it up already and do what you know you need to do.
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
