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know the 7 t-shirt rules.

8 Jun

1- T-shirts may be worn when you’re working outside.

2- T-shirts may only be worn during social activities when it’s hotter than 70 degrees AND it’s a purely outdoor event (picnic, beach, etc.) AND you’re the boss of the company AND the t-shirt is pretty nondescript.

3- T-shirts may be worn as part of some philanthropic event where the organizers feel as though unity in color and logo will benefit the cause. However, and listen to me on this one, you may not wear your t-shirt over the collared shirt you put on before you knew they were giving out shirts. Be prepared when you’re going to these things, wear an undershirt so you can make a quick change without exposing the “Thug Life” tattoo you got during your 2Pak phase. West side!

4- You may not wear t-shirts at any other time other than #1 through #3 – for real.

Now you’re crossing the line, Grown Man. My t-shirt is my jam! How are people going to know what bands I’m interested in?!

Listen Grown Man, you are an individual. I applaud the fact that you’ve got unique style and expression. However, use things like, oh I don’t know, music, poetry, writing, painting, spoken word, freestyle hip-hop dance, etc., to express yourself. T-shirts : self-expression :: Becky #2 : Roseanne. It just doesn’t work that well.

Moving on…

5- No inappropriate t-shirts – ever. You’ve really got to own the fact that inappropriate shirts paint with a pretty broad joke-brush. When you walk through the mall in your I Just _____ed your Sister shirt, some people think it’s kinda funny, some people are offended, nobody thinks you’re an adult. Think about a 10-year-old who’s chillin’ out waiting for his turn at Auntie Anne’s, that kid shouldn’t be reading that junk.

6- Funny t-shirts are dead. Sorry about this, but they are. I know they make fantastic jokes, in fact, I’ve got about 4 good ones in my head that are dying to get out. But we need to stay strong and realize that the fad is over and the humor bar must be maintained.

7- You may never, ever, in any scenario, wear a t-shirt at work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this can’t be a rule, I work at one of those super-rad work places where people don’t care about your attire – they’re beyond that. They care about you as a person and don’t live by your ivory-tower rules. I hate you, Grown Man.

First of all, you don’t hate me – you love me. You know why? Because deep down inside, you’re dying for someone to tell you what I’m about to say:

It doesn’t matter how progressive and cool your company is. Your company can be a mecca in the middle of Indie-a. I’ll give you that one again: INDIE-a. Wow. Anyhow, we live in a society that, right or wrong, still views dressing well as sign of professionalism. Your company may be amazing (I work at one of those myself), but when you’ve got something important to say, you’ll have more of a voice if you’re not wearing a I Slept With The Girl In Hanson shirt. It may not be fair, but it’s true.

That is all.

you shouldn’t have friends with benefits.

1 Jun

Recently, I was enjoying some chitchat with a Grown Woman-Friend who uttered the following sentence, “Yeah, I guess we were friends with benefits for a year, but that’s over, so whatever.” What we’re going to talk about today is the so whatever part of her statement which, by way of preview, isn’t so whatever.

Somewhere there’s a slimy fella who coined the phrase “friends with benefits”. For real, this guy should be shunned by his Jersey Shore community and prohibited from procreation. F.W.B. has come to signify a relationship between two people who enjoy hanging out and talking (friends) while every-now-and-again partaking in some measure of “benefits” or, as it’s more commonly known to idiots, hooking up – gag. In any event, there’s a culture of men who see having a friend who they neck with as the holy grail of non-committal, relational fulfillment. Grown Men, you are perpetuating a problem.

The problem is this – you’re a hunter. You love the idea of seeing a random pretty girl and finding a way to smooch with said lady. You’ll do anything in your power to take down that doe. You’ll talk on the phone for hours about “how [she’s] the only one who seems to understand who you really are”, you’ll invite her to your house over the weekend to chill with your parents, you’ll even spend money on her – now you’re really laying it on thick! The simple truth is, you’re genetically hard-wired to flirt and make a woman feel special. And you know what? That’s okay. Women are worth being pursued and doted on. The problem lies in the end game which, for you, is over with her giving in to your purported charm and delivering some “benefits”.

What transpires is that you realize you’re not ready for a relationship, which is okay, people breakup all the time. However, you don’t break up or stop treating her like a girlfriend, you simply keep the foot on the gas enough to get an occasional “movie” but not enough to worry about holidays, anniversaries, or feelings. You’re loving life while she’s simply holding on to whatever she can get from a guy who tricked her.

Grown Men, friends with benefits is a myth. You may think she’s a friend, but I’m telling you that somewhere, deep down inside, she’s invited you into a place that’s reserved for boyfriends and husbands. Because you are neither of those things, you need to vacate.

One more thing. Women have an equal share of responsibility and blame in F.W.B. relationships. But this is a blog for grown men who have it in them to do the right thing. No more, so whatever’s, okay?

quit going to weddings empty-handed.

28 May

It’s wedding weekend for me (2 of them!) which means a)I’m going to be dancing like a nerdy white man and b)Bed, Bath, & Every Other Trendy Home Store has a bit more of my currency. And you know what? I’m okay with that.

Gentlemen, you must always bring a gift to a wedding. If you’re old enough to buy your own under-roos and vote, you’re old enough to get the betrothed a present. Let’s talk about that present.

First, buy something off the registry – no exceptions.


But Grown Man, I saw this super cool neon [insert beer company] sign that my friend, the groom, would love!

You’re right, HE probably would love it. However, you don’t know what that man is going through. His Ben Harper posters and super sweet University of Low SAT’s flags are finding a new home in the garage and/or donation pile. All of a sudden, he’s really into OxyGrip Salad Tongs and is worried out of his mind about the velum ripping on the wedding invitations. For real, your friend is changing, not in a bad way, but in a way that you, a Grown Man who’s unmarried, can’t understand. If you are married and still want to get the neon sign, c’mon – you know better.

Having said all of that, go to the home store and pick the coolest thing you can find that is ON THE DAMN REGISTRY! Maybe there’s some sort of tea infuser? Great! Now you can make jokes about tea bagging him. Maybe there’s a set of 5000 thread count Egyptian sheets? Perfect, you can make jokes about your own sexual repression and him getting some on those sheets.

Wedding gifts aren’t about extravagance, they’re about thought. It’s your way of saying, “I care about your well-being enough as a couple to get you a dish towel and gravy boat.” Believe me, they’ll appreciate your effort more than you know.

I don’t have enough money to buy them a gift!

Yes you freaking do. Think of it this way, if you went out for dinner and all you can drink generic beer, how much would you spend? Let’s say you added in the cost of dinner mints and a d.j. playing Black Eyed Peas for four hours? Bingo, you’ve at least hit the $20 mark. If you can’t find anything on the registry that fits your budget (the cash in your duct tape wallet), just get a gift card. I can assure you that even a meager gift card will mean a lot to your friends.

Guys, here’s the bottom line. You may be in college, you may be on a fixed income, you may be stupid with your money, but don’t go to a wedding without a gift. Even if you can’t afford much, get something. It’s classy, it’s important, and it’s what a Grown Man does.

quit using “gay” as slang.

27 May

Roc HudsonI’ve heard many many guys say, “Bro, you’re so gay!” or, just flat-out, “you’re gay.” I’m assuming that the men saying this are not referring to their bro’s clearly self-actualized sexuality or uncanny cheeriness. Sadly, they’re ripping their friend by using this word derogatively. Let’s talk about this.

Men are hard-wired to be afraid of the unknown. We use this fear to protect our families (I lock the doors 3x a night), to do better in jobs with hopes of making more money (or at least not getting fired), and we use fear to antagonize one another. Calling someone gay works so well because straight dudes can’t really fathom being gay. The idea of being emotionally and physically intimate with a man, to a straight man, is unthinkably odd. And, because it’s just so unknown, straight men become fearful of it.

So what do we do when we’re afraid or uncomfortable? We laugh, we lash out, and we lose our decorum. We all do this, I do this. When I watch a part of a movie that’s particularly sad (Carrie throwing the flowers at Big), I laugh and say, “Oh my god, this movie sucks”. Does it suck? Oh hell no, nor will the sequel.

So what’s the right response? First, admit that you don’t fully understand how someone can be gay. Second, recognize that because you don’t understand it, you’re probably mentally wired to act like an idiot by default. Third, recognize that your instinct to act like an doofus is disrespectful to those who aren’t afraid of our Grown Gay Men. Forth, commit to not calling your bro’s gay when they leave Hamburger Helper out overnight. Finally, start ripping on them for other stuff you know nothing about:

-You’re so goals for the future!
-You’re so American History!
-You’re so shower!

But grown man, I’m not afraid of gay guys, I just think it’s funny.

Nope. Quit it.

One more thing. While not many people read this blog (except for last Friday where about 400 people in Boulder, CO found it), I’m not allowing any rude comments on this post. This is the first You’re A Grown Man post that deals with anything somewhat polarizing – please don’t be tools about it.

quit playing the celebrity crush game.

3 May

You know the game, don’t you?

Grown Man: Hey lady-friend, who’s the one celebrity you’d cheat on me with?
Lady-friend: What do you mean? Like with no strings attached? I’d just get one night with him (or her) and you wouldn’t care?
GM: Yep, no strings attached, you get a free pass with one celebrity.
LF: Wow. Well I choose [insert celebrity name] Lee Majors. How about you?
GM: Sweet, I was hoping you’d ask me. My celebrity crush is [insert celebrity name] Rue Mcclanahan.

Here’s why this game is damaging to your relationship. First, you’re a dude and you don’t compare yourself to other guys. You’re not worried that your lady-friend is checking guys out. When she says [insert celebrity name] Don Knotts, you think, “Don Knotts!? What a dork, I could kick the crap outta that guy” – then you chuckle and go about your day.

However, when you say, “I’d cheat on you with [insert celebrity name] Estelle Getty”, she’s thinking:

-What’s she got that I don’t?
-I bet he looks at a lot of women like her.
-Why would he ever cheat on me – even with a C-list celebrity?!
-I’m hurt

See the difference? Your dumb game hurts your lady-friend – even if she seems ultra cool about it and plays along. Listen man, I know Bea Arthur is super cute – but you’ve got to overt your gaze towards the one girl in the planet who will actually sleep with you.

P.S. Betty White rules.

quit going shirtless.

26 Apr

While at a large festival yesterday, I was appalled by the number of men walking around with no shirt. Mind you, this wasn’t a NASCAR event or a PETA rally where fat dudes are saying no to fur. It was, in fact, a pie festival – in a rich neighborhood – with old people – and a dude playing the banjo.

Gentlemen, need I remind you that you’re ugly? Girls aren’t seeing your supple man-breasts and thinking, “Now that’s a guy worthy of my child-bearing years.” A shirt was designed, in part, so you could hide your weird chest zits and let women live under the illusion that you aren’t as tubby as you are.

Also, it just kind of makes you look like you’re trying too hard. Remember, desperation doesn’t lead to procreation.

P.S. You’ll also get skin cancer without a shirt on.

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