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quit going to semi-strip clubs.

8 Oct

I’m disgusted that I have to write this article. For real, I can’t believe that seemingly regular guys who aren’t ridiculous enough to go to strip clubs (it’s never okay) have no problem frequenting semi-strip clubs.

Um, Grown Man, semi-strip clubs?  You made that up didn’t you?  I mean, c’mon.

Oh heck yeah I made it up, and you know why?  Because restaurants, bars, car washes, and anywhere else where employees are almost naked and survive on your tips for their perceived – again, perceived – flirting are employing the same business model as a strip club.  Let me say that again more simply: If a woman is almost naked in your vicinity, you’re no longer interested in chicken wings.

Grown Man, tell me you’re not talking about [no lawsuits for me] — I love that place!  Straight up, bro, for real, it’s just you and me now — I go for the food.

No, you don’t! And here’s how I know you don’t go for the food.  Men are visual creatures.  The entry point to our hearts, minds, sexuality, and yes, stomachs, is our eyes.  When we’re little guys, everyone thinks we have ADD (which in some cases may be true.)  But the reason all little fellas are ADD-ish is because they’ve yet to reign in their eyes. So everything they see, every new picture on a TV and every shiny object that flashes in the distance, is some new bit of stimulus for their brains to process.  When we’re big kids, we know how to control and maintain some level of attention, but we still see everything: every painted-on pair of orange shorts, every flirty look, and every giggle that is designed to raise the tip to 25%. By design, every second of your semi-strip club experience should engage your eyes, then your brain, and then your wallet.

If you think you go to these places for the food, you’re lying to yourself.  Because the truth is, if an almost naked woman served you a steaming plate of elephant crap, your eyes would change that plate into a Martha Stewart display of chocolate chip cookies made with Jesus magic and unicorn hair. Maybe the food is good – maybe it’s not. Either way, unless you’re a eunuch, you have no way of discerning that.

But we haven’t really hit the main point yet, have we?  Because up until this time, it’s all been about the establishment and how it’s designed to fool you, which I hope you believe.  But at the end of the day, part of the price we pay for living in a wonderfully free society is that even a sleazy business can exist if it’s able to.

The real issue here is that it’s denigrating. To women? Yes, but that’s common knowledge and über obvious. So who else might it belittle, disparage, and generally just cheapen? You, Grown Man, you.

Oh god, you’re about to go deep, aren’t you?  I’ve read enough of these to know that you like to round third with some Montel Williams action.

Gentlemen, you’ve been designed well.  Your propensity for seeing a woman and recognizing that she’s lovely is part of who you are and shouldn’t be viewed as a bad thing.  When you’re single, you should harness that part of you just enough to notice that there’s something worth summoning up the courage, putting on your big-boy pants, and asking her out on a date. When you’re in a relationship, use your eyes to grow closer, to be more committed, and to appreciate her, and only her.  You’re not ADD, you’re hard wired to be a visual animal.  Honestly, it’s a good thing.

What’s not a good thing is that your eyes (and all they lead to) are being fooled by semi-strip clubs.  Because you, me, all of us, are just dumb enough to think that maybe, just maybe, the giggle was real, the flirting was genuine, and that she’s super stoked about bringing you – wow, YOU – extra blue cheese.  Guess what, she’s not – no more than you care about the spreadsheet you created 2 days ago at work. She’s not remembering the dude who was super nice 2 hours ago. She’s working, and you’re doing a disservice to yourself by thinking otherwise.

In closing, let me say this: good chicken wings are a staple of any man’s diet.  If you’re mourning the loss of your favorite place because I’ve guilted you into submission, here’s what you need to do: find a local, Italian owned, pizza place that sells wings.  I can assure you, wings from a Mario Brother will put Hoo[no lawsuit]rs to shame.

You’re a Grown Man, quit going to semi-strip clubs.

quit screwing around on your phone.

26 Aug

This is the first post I’ve ever written where two of my close friends are going to read it and realize, “Hold on, wait, is he talking specifically about me?”  Yes, Zanzibar and Casey, I am.  Because you see, kind readers, Zanzibar and Casey have a problem. One tiny, entire-Internet-in-your-hand, Words With Friends, iProblem.  And, they’re not alone.

Gentlemen, we are on the precipice of a cultural shift. One that finds us teetering between connecting with the world around us, or choosing the red pill and disappearing into a sea of games, email, social networking, texting, et cetera, et cetera.  In short, guys are using their iDroidBerrys when they shouldn’t be — and it’s ungentlemanly.  Zanzibar, Casey, and all the other good men with a bad habit, allow me to give you the rules:

1- If you’re in a room with other people who could possible interact with you (social event, meeting), your amazing phone is stripped away of all cool features and is now only to be used for receipt of calls and text messages.

2- Should you receive a call or text during one of these social times, you need to know when it’s okay to even look at the phone and when it’s not.  While there are many exceptions to the rule, in general, you shouldn’t acknowledge the phone unless you’re expecting an important call.  In which case, you should forewarn the group that “The Blue Men might be calling at 8pm for me to fill in as their understudy” or something similar.  Barring that call from The Blue Men, you’ll need to pretend the phone doesn’t exist.

3- If you are talking face-to-face with a small group or single person, there is absolutely no reason on the planet why the phone shouldn’t be on silent and completely void of your attention.  If, and only if, there’s something important happening (like The Blue Men), you can preface your conversation with the “I might need to be rude…” disclaimer.

4- Use the Rubik’s Cube rule.  What’s the Rubik’s Cube rule, you ask? Here we go:  If it would be appropriate for you to pull out a Rubik’s Cube and start playing with it, it would be acceptable for you to screw around with the apps, games, texting, and other trappings of your ComputerPhone 5000.  Having stated that rule, is it appropriate to hop on and launch penguins during a staff meeting? Think about it…picture it…everybody is watching you play with a Rubik’s Cube, how odd!…ok, no, it’s not appropriate to launch penguins during the staff meeting.   Let’s try another one:  You’re standing in front of me and you get a Push notification that your 5th grade friend just “liked” your link about the newest Lego Starwars Game.  Should you check it?  Huh, let’s visualize the moment… “Hey, why in the hell are you playing Rubik’s Cube while I’m talking to you!”  So no, it’s not okay.

It is okay, however, to pop out the Rubik’s Cube while you’re walking around, sitting in a park, at home with nothing to do, or during other times of general leisure.  Don’t worry, you’ll still have plenty of time (if not too much time) to waste hours in front of your 4G god.

5- I’m going to blow through this rule quickly because it makes me kinda sick and hacky.  Here we go…  Do not use your phone (oh god, I’m feeling queasy), okay, do not use your phone in the (here comes the bile)…in the bathroom!  For reasons of hygiene, personal space, and overall weirdness, your iPhone can no longer be your crap-paddle.  I gotta move on, sorry…this is gross.

Zanzibar, Casey, and if I’m being honest, the Grown Man writing this post — we’ve got to keep the balance of relationships being paramount, and technology being novel.  Because, and this is the reality, cool technology will never stop being attractive to ADD guys who love shiny/noisy things.  From the wheel to The Terminator, all of our history and future will be marked with advances that make life easier but that also need to be met with temperance.  So go and enjoy your iDroidBerry, it really is okay.  But also make sure you put it away and make eye contact.

You’re a Grown Man, quit screwing around on your phone.

Ironically, this post is also formatted for viewing on a mobile device.  Please, please, please though — don’t read this in the bathroom.

quit freaking out about babies.

19 Jul

I like babies and dogs, I always have.  There’s something about those two creatures that just makes me exceedingly happy.  I’m assuming it’s because they don’t talk.  Maybe it’s because I find amusement in something that slobbers.  In any event, my heartfelt affinity for babies is not common for a man – and I’m okay with that.  But what I’m not cool with is how much crap I’ve gotten for liking babies (men seem to make allowances for dogs).  Countless friends of mine have said, “Oh man, I’m glad you like babies…but they freak me out!” or “Wow, you should really have a kid since you like babies so much.”

Grown Men, you need to quit freaking out about babies.  So many of you are afraid that:

1- You’ll drop them.
2- You won’t know what to do EVEN if you just hold one for a few minutes.
3- Your lady-friend will think you’re hinting that it might be time to start “trying”.

Allow me to refute these points:

You’ll drop them.: No, you wont.  Think of it this way, at the end of a long evening at the local pub, you’re able to hold a pint even when you’re tired and half-in-the-bag. That glass is made out of, you guessed it, glass, and would shatter time and time again if you were as clumsy as you perceive yourself to be.  Furthermore, babies aren’t as delicate as guys think they are.  Have you ever seen a delivery?  Me neither.  But from what I’ve been told, the nurses and doctors are far from our definition of gentle.  Apparently, they move swiftly with the babies and hit them on the back so they’ll cough up any remaining ectoplasm.  You see what I’m getting at? Dr. Venkman knows what he’s doing and you, my gentle-man, are not going break a baby.  My advice is to sit down the first few times.  The mom or dad will get what you’re doing and will gladly hand you the little-buddy when you’re situated.  All you have to do is sit and do nothing – which you’re naturally a pro at.

You won’t know what to do…: Well, this is kinda true actually.  If you’re freaked out by holding a baby, then you’ve likely never changed a diaper, taught your daughter how to ride a bike, or given your son “the talk”.  However, enjoying a baby isn’t about those things – nobody is asking you to raise the kid just because you’ve taken a few minutes to hold one.  In fact, if the worst case scenario happens and they either a)start crying or b)load up the diaper, the parents are going to know immediately that you, a total amateur, are not able to handle these scenarios and they’re going to politely snag Bonzo back and do what they do (and you don’t) – parent.

Your lady-friend will think you’re ready to start “trying”.: Oh geez, this one’s just a total cop-out.  There isn’t a Grown Woman in the world who thinks your ready to be a dad just because you allow yourself the pleasure of holding a baby.  When she watches you, she’s thinking, “God, his mom’s going to be a freaking nightmare if we ever have a kid.”  Listen up, I know you love “practicing” and aren’t ready to “try” – and that’s okay.  But when the time is right, you’ll know.  You and the Mrs. will talk about it like adults and turn that corner together.  Holding a baby won’t force the issue.

Molly and Grown Man

A few weeks ago, I got the rare opportunity of holding an 11-hour-old baby.  Her name is Molly and she is, as far as I can tell, a perfect baby.  She smelled exactly like a new baby should, made clicking sounds as she breathed, and had exceedingly soft ears. I loved my time with Molly.  As I sat there for 30 minutes holding her, I couldn’t help but think about her at 5-years old, running around in the park, at 18-years-old, descending the stairs in a prom dress, and at 30-years-old, with a family of her own.

At this point, I realize  the male readers have Apple-Q‘d this page and the female readers are all that’s left.  But for the few guys that have made it to this point, you’ve got to hear that holding a baby is about looking at someone else and seeing hope and promise.  Just like I look past your dead-fish handshake and see a possible Grown Man.

it’s okay to cry.

6 Jul

I went to a funeral this weekend.  It was a small, family service held deep within the mountains of North Carolina.  It was, I suppose, one of those funerals where the mourning is focused more around saying goodbye to a well lived life, rather than angry at the universe for snatching someone from our midst too soon.  In any event, it was a sad day for our family.  So it goes.

This funeral brought to mind an issue that’s been plaguing the modern man and creating emotional volcanoes.  The problem I’m referring to is the idea that “real men don’t cry”.  Oh yes, we love spreading this lie around our culture, don’t we?  We’ve coined the term “strong silent type” and, in the rare instance that a guy does cry, it’s either celebrated as an emotional tour de force or passively scored and perceived as weak.  Both and neither of the perceptions are completely accurate – allow me to explain.

Why it should be celebrated…

Men are notorious for bottling-up good-old-fashioned, extremely helpful, emotion.  Over years and years, it’s become en vogue to keep a stiff upper lip and not allow ourselves the natural – yes, natural – expression of crying.  Crying is a physical act that enables us to manage emotion via our bodies impulses.  Isn’t that cool?  Think about it.  When you get  super scared and the adrenalin pulses, your body is naturally releasing a chemical that allows you to escape or defend the oncoming danger with super-hero-like force.  Like adrenaline, crying is a gift that your body gives you to be able to release the massive tension inside and function.

However, because we’re dumb animals, we ignore the natural impulse to cry and suck it up.  What ends up happening is that you a)never release the tension, b)work twice as hard at dealing with a situation, c)find way less constructive avenues for release, or d)all of the above.  This weekend, at the funeral, one or two tears were shed.  When men would take time to share, their voice would quiver, they’d take a deep breath, they’d apologize for showing emotion, and they would continue on.  We all know the drill, don’t we?

Imagine what a better world it would be if Hulk had just let it out?  If Kobra Khan simply allowed himself to cry? If Bebop and Rocksteady locked arms and sang a big, snotty, chorus of Lean on Me?  Joking aside, it’s helpful to cry, it’s constructive to cry, and it’s time to redefine masculinity and stop perceiving a mastery of emotions as ignoring the ones that help (crying) and celebrating the ones that hurt (sucking it up).

When crying isn’t always appropriate…

Johnny Fontane and The Godfather

Let’s examine the greatest movie of all time: The Godfather.  When Don Corleone went to view Santino’s bullet-ridden body, he cried.  Oh yes, the most powerful, manly man ever on the silver screen slobbered, snotted, and mumbled, “Look what they’ve done to my boy…look what they’ve done.”  However, and this is a big however, when freaking Johnny Fontane met with The Godfather and began to cry in his office, Vito slapped the junk out of him and said, “You can act like a man!”  What’s the difference?  Why would  crying be accepted on one hand but get you backslapped with the other?  Because there’s no room for crying in certain arenas.

Johnny Fontane was, essentially, at work.  He was upset about his job, he needed help, and he was talking to his boss.  Gentlemen, crying at work is weak.  Crying because you’re not getting enough shifts, because you just bombed a review, or  for any reason at your place of employment is not an option for a Grown Man.  At our jobs, we are hired and paid to be professional.  When you cry at work, you’re using your tears as tools to get what you want and avoiding your big-boy words to express emotion.

Also, crying with a lady-friend is okay, but you’ve got to use it sparingly.  Again, the tears as tools theory works very well on the tail end of a DTR where you feel like you’re losing the upper hand and she’s about to break up with you.  When you cry, you manipulate the relationship and that’s just not fair.  Now dont’ get me wrong, I’ll cry like a baby with my wife.  Oh lord, that woman has seen more tears than Jimmy Swaggart’s handkerchief.  But those tears are spent on times of real mourning, intense emotion, and moments when words fail me and emotion overcomes me.

The bottom line is this:  You know when crying is helpful and when it’s being used as a tool.  When it’s helpful – cry like Tammy Fae and don’t be embarrassed to let it the heck out.  Your family, friends, and society in general will thank you.  However, if you’ve got ulterior motives for crying, suck it up and be a grown freaking man about it.

quit dining with danger.

29 Jun

Quick preface: This post is written for men who are in relationships.  I apologize to the single fellas our there for the specific content.  However, I’d encourage you to stuff this knowledge in your back pocket – I promise you, you’ll need it one day.

Allow me to paint you a picture:  You spend 40+ hours a week at work and you’re a nice guy.  You take part in jeans Friday and are known to pull a couple of really zany pranks. Overall, you’re well liked and respected among your peers.  Work is good, your wife is awesome, you’re a happy man.  One day your office mate, we’ll call her Jezebel, casually says, “Hey, you wanna’ get Thai for lunch?”  Now, Jezebel isn’t asking you on a date or being weird, she’s simply wanting to combine Tofu Praram and a conversation with the office nice-guy.  The question before you now is, how do you reply?

By no means can you go out to lunch with that woman.

Grown Man, you are such a freaking prude!  What’s the big deal, she’s not into me, I’m not into her, it’s a lunch?!  Also, I reeeeeally want Shrimp Pad Thai (5 stars, extra peanuts)!

Cool it, fella.  I trust you, I really do.  And furthermore, I trust Jezebel.  The problem is, I don’t know that in every situation YOU should trust you.  Right now, your life is awesome.  But someday, the relationship you’re in might hit a speed bump and you may not be completely meshing with your wife or girlfriend.  When, not if, but when that day comes  – you need to be prepared.

If you’re having a difficult time with your significant other and you find yourself across the table from a lovely co-worker, think about how it’ll feel when she complements your great sense of humor.  Today, that compliment would be received, processed, and forgotten with the next bite of Chicken Pad Thai (damn it, they got the order wrong!).  However, if you’re in a particularly vulnerable spot (which you will be someday), that compliment could be received, processed, reworked, dwelt on, fantasized about, and manipulated.  The next thing you know, a casual lunch turns into (in your mind) a semi-date.  Now, my good man, you are on the highway to the danger zone.

Oh boy, you’re taking this WAY too far!  Nice job jumping the shark, Grown Man.

Maybe I am, but also, nobody ever goes into a good relationship expecting an affair.  Affairs happen because we don’t setup safeguards in the good days.  Because gentlemen, trust me, lean days will happen. And in those days, you will need to be armed so that you can go though them and end up on the other side without regrets and with self-respect.  Not going on solo outings is a simple rule that can save a ton of heartache.

Before you all assail me in the comments, allow me to address a few quick points:

1- Women aren’t followers who will have affairs with any guy.  Our friend Jezebel would likely reject any advance because she’s a Grown Woman.  However, every now and again, the perfect storm happens and good women and good man put themselves in vulnerable positions.  This blog is written for men who need to do their part in preventing such an occurrence.

2- In the course of your life, your lady-boss may say, “Hey, let’s grab a coffee today.”  Because she’s your boss, it’s way harder to say, “No, Grown Man says I shouldn’t.”  With this and other such difficult situations, it’s really up to you. However, I still default to not letting foxes into the henhouse.

3- If you’re single and still reading this, go and get Thai with that young-lady (as long as she’s single)! Also, take the complement and milk it for all it’s worth.  Go get ‘em tiger…

4- I’ll be funnier tomorrow.

never, ever, be rude to customer service people.

10 Jun

Here’s the scenario: You’re having a nice dinner with some friends and you order a few evening cordials. Your waiter (we’ll call him Putting Myself Through College) scurries away and a riveting conversation continues questioning the resurgence of Dutch Modern furniture (it’s because of Mad Men, by the way). Suddenly, there’s a collective realization that Putting Myself Through College is taking about 10 times longer than he should be. You and your friends start to mutter little statements like “I guess he’s distilling the scotch” (snicker, snicker) and “Hope he didn’t get lost” (Good one, Chet!) and, just like that, the waiter is the enemy.

When Putting Myself Through College returns, nobody makes eye-contact with him. All your friends know that you E-vited the party and are, therefore, the evenings host. So you, alone, are stuck with the decision: Am I going to be nice to the guy or give him his comeuppance? Grown Men choose the former, you likely choose the later and say, “I’m not sure if we’re even in the mood for these now [you fruitlessly try to make eye contact with your friends], well, whatever, we’ll take them.” Putting Myself Through College sucks it up, apologizes, and hands out your Jackass and Cokes.

For a number of reasons, being rude to “the help” is unacceptable. While I shouldn’t have to explain why, the unfortunate prevalence of this behavior forces me to. Here we go.

First, customer service people have a difficult job that you don’t understand. They live and work in a place where stress is the currency and being the killed messenger is literally their job. 99% of the time, waiters can’t help it if the drinks are late – the bartender is up to her eyeballs because the co-tender called in sick at the last-minute, the computers that the restaurant uses just went down and everybody’s freaking out, another table is going bat-crap because little Walter has a nut allergy and didn’t know the Almond Tart would kill him, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Think of your job, aren’t there times when you go nuts because you can’t do the things you need to do as a result of external influences?

Second, being rude is never acceptable. This may come as a revelation to some of you, but your desire to lash out with sarcasm and biting words shows a lack of class and an inability to control yourself.

Grown Man, you’re a freaking tool, I hate you.

All right, quit being rude – I knew you wouldn’t like this bit of advice. You know why? Because being rude is fun! You’ve got embarrassment built up because you’re trying to be cool with your friends and host them well – and they’re thirsty. You’re frustrated because you just got off a plane and can’t imagine a reason why the car rental place didn’t hold your reservation. And so, your negative feelings bubble up to the surface and being rude give you a perfect opportunity to let off some steam and return to normal. Gentlemen, being rude is a reflex response for those who have yet to learn how to control emotion and empathize. Being rude is for children and talk radio hosts – not Grown Men.

Seriously though, my [customer service person] sucked. This dude was really terrible and had no reason for being so bad.

Fair enough, not every customer service person is a victim of the circumstances around them and I’m not asking you to go through life biting your tongue. Here’s what you should do, give it ten minutes to allow the rude volcano to subside. When that time has elapsed and you feel like you can be an adult about the situation, politely address the offender. Don’t curse, don’t insult the person, give a very factual representation of the issue and how your expectations weren’t met. If that person doesn’t seem receptive, speak to the next level up (manager, comment card, 800 number, web site) and state your case. After that, just drop it. You want justice and you want control – both of which are illusions.

Grown Men, it’s time to raise the bar on how we treat the service industry. If your Let’s Make a Mistake shots run a little late, simply engage your friends a riveting conversation about “the stupid blog you’ve been reading and why the guy writing it is probably a huge dork who has never even seen a girl.”

How dare you.

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