The more I write this blog, the more I realize my grandfather may be the coolest Grown Man I’ve ever known. And, even though he has an aversion to wearing a tie, eating any form of bean, and The Pope (I don’t share his disdain), he is typically my go-to Draper-in-residence (without all the skirt chasing and domestic violence). So today, I’m thinking about my grandfather as I begin to talk about Grown Men carrying cash. Why? Because that old dude typically has a wad of cash in his sweat pants pocket that would make even the most seasoned of Chamillionaire jealous. For real, I’m pretty certain that he’s been to K-Mart a number of times with a grand in small bills — not kidding at all.
So, why should you carry cash? Because, like the Boy Scouts say, you’ve got to be prepared. Young men reading this blog, imagine the following scenario: You’re on a date with a lovely lass when she spots one of those awesome Catholic (sorry grandpa) church carnivals in the distance. Without warning, your plans for a movie and some making-out have been thwarted and your evening will now look more like funnel cakes and Ferris wheels. Bummer. However, she wants to go and you quickly realize that you might be able to get some of that sweet kissin’ action on the Tilt-A-Whirl, so you concede. But wait, you’ve hit a snag, the movie theater is more than willing to accept credit cards for purchase, but the carnival is doing some serious IRS dodging and will only accept cash or cigarettes for rides. Oh the embarrassment! Oh the Tilt-A-Whirl!
Our society has become completely plastic (no offense to Joan Rivers) and we no longer require cash for a majority of our transactions. I believe this shift came in 2004 when our greatest national export began accepting credit at all 1.8 quad-trillion golden arch locations. Yep, that’s the year that McDonald’s got sick and tired of subjecting their 14-year-old register kids to men fumbling around in their wallets and holding up the line while begging money off their friends. Until that time, we knew that even the most basic of American needs (Big Macs and those awesome apple pies) would necessitate even a dollar-menu’s worth of green. But when they jumped ship, so did the fat country. Now, we’re stuck at the carnival with a pissed off girlfriend and an ATM walk of shame.
Gentlemen, you’ve got to be ready for whatever comes your way. From carrying a pocket knife to having at least $30 in your wallet at all times, there are just some necessities for navigating this concrete world. Back in the day, and I mean really back in the day, a man wouldn’t have left his cabin without a gun, some water (whisky), and a hat. He knew that with these three things he could eat, sleep, be safe, and look tough as hell. It’s time for us to reclaim that duty as men and make sure that we’re always well equipped with the bare minimum.
But Grown Man, what if I get robbed? If they steal my wallet and I don’t have cash, all I have to do is cancel credit cards!
I love the “getting robbed” excuse for being ill prepared. Because truthfully, most people don’t get pick-pocketed. If you live in Compton or something, maybe you should consider not carrying a grandfather-wad of money. But most of you live in Generic City, USA and carry a $250 mini-computer in your pocket without giving it a second thought. Are you really that nervous about not carrying anything valuable? I don’t think so. Additionally, $32 bones given to some armed bandit isn’t going to break the bank — hopefully. If it is, you’ve got bigger fish to fry and should probably consider becoming an armed bandit yourself.
That’s all for today, go to the ATM on your lunch break and enjoy the Tilt-A-Whirl.
You’re a Grown Man, carry cash.