I have a friend named Randy. Randy is just one of those cool dudes who you pay attention to while trying to look like your not paying attention at all. You know what I’m saying? For instance, Randy comes to work wearing a pair of cowboy boots and, one week later, all of his disciples are wearing cowboy boots. Nobody came up to him and said, “Holy Roy Rogers, those are some sick boots bro! You’re so cool, Randy!” Nope, they all just got in their Civics after work and scoured the land for old-looking, brand-new, Randy-like boots. Man, Randy is the coolest.
Recently however, Randy and I came to an impasse. The conversation went something like this:
Randy: Do Grown Men wear cologne?
GM: No, Grown Men wear self-respect and adulthood, they shouldn’t smell like anything.
Randy: But I wear cologne.
[Oh god, I don't know how to process this, Randy is so cool, my defenses are weakening]
GM: Really? You’re such a Grown Man, I didn’t peg you for an Axe kinda’ chap.
[Randy's wife chimes in...]
Tootie: Randy smells amazing. In fact, a lot of people say that Randy is the best smelling man on the planet.
Randy: For real, smell me.
[Randy motions for me to smell his collar. I am powerless. I smell it.]
GM: Wow, Randy. You do smell good.
Randy: See? See what I’m saying? It’s a really unknown cologne called [I don't remember the name, though I'm pretty sure it was McConaughey #4]. Doesn’t it smell good?
Indeed it does, cool Randy. Indeed it does.
Following that experience, I decided to change my stance on cologne and man-scent in general. Previously, I was adamant that no man should smell like anything other than the sweat of his labor or a campfire. However, something in aforementioned conversation alerted me to a factor that was worth considering. Tootie liked the way Randy smelled – a lot. And felles, if something as simple as a dash of Parfum du Pitt gives her that much enjoyment, you’ve got to go for it.
Here are the rules that Randy and I agreed upon for proper, Grown Man, musk management:
-You can’t wear cologne to try to attract a lady-friend.
-If you have attracted a lady-friend, she has to like it.
-You’ve got to keep it to one spray. Putting on cologne is akin to using your library voice – soft enough for the person across from you, not loud enough for the whole room. ONE SPRAY!
-Anything that says “body spray” is not cologne – it’s teenage marketing. Stay away! For real, Chocolate Axe might be the first horsemen of the Apocalypse. Pick something that exudes class – like Randy.
That’s it gentlemen, smell good and have a great weekend. Thanks, as always, for taking the time to read and comment!