It happened to me a few weeks ago: I’m sitting at a bar with a friend when the waiter comes up and says, “What’ll you have?” Because I can see my friend fumbling around the menu, I begin navigating my own course. I ask a few brief questions like, “What’s on tap?” and “Do you have a wine list?” and then, I place my order – “Jack and Coke, thank you”. The entire interaction between us lasted upwards of 20 seconds.
Then it was my friends turn. He began by asking the question “What’s on tap?” The polite waiter, of course, went through the list again and awaited his next cue. “Um, well, alright, well, I’d like…actually, what’s good here? No, no, I’ll just have a, oh man, I forget the name. It tastes like Sprite, but it’s not actually got Sprite in it.” “A gin and tonic, sir?” “Huh, I think that’s what it was called, yeah, I’ll have one of those.” My friend then looked at me with an unknowing smile and I returned too him a look of horror and disgust.
Grown Men, you’ve got to know your drink order well before you need to place it. Being able to traverse the alcohol jungle with a barkeep is just one of the parts of being a man that, while not essential to the overall picture of masculinity, is important for a guy to be able to do. Having a good working knowledge of drinks will not only make you seem confident (fake it till you make it), but it will allow you more time to converse with the person you’re with without derailing for a drink dialogue.
Here are some tips…
-Get nerdy. For real, hop on the internet and start researching what you like. I’m sure you’ve had enough experience in the past with a few drinks that you can put something together. I like the Esquire magazine site, it’s really helpful. Also, I’m sure folks will leave other helpful links in the comments.
-Experiment. Before you go to your next bar, have a drink or two ready to order. Pick drinks with different bases (example: a whiskey drink and a gin drink) and choose options that are common (yes: Tom Collins, No: Tom Johnstone). Channel your inner Mr. Wizard and bust out that mental Erlenmeyer flask.
-Remember. One of the huge problems with uncertain orderers is that they forget what they’ve liked in the past. They begin to panic and think, “Crap, I loved that drink at my sisters wedding? Man, what was it called?” It was called a Appletini and you should have written it down before you got drunk. Speaking of writing it down, always carry a piece of paper with you. It’ll be a Grown Man post some other day.
-Be confident. When you find something you like, don’t be afraid to order it. In this era of defining what a lady-drink is and what a man-drink is, we’ve gotten scared to order a Cosmo because we know the Carrie jokes will follow. You know what? Get past it. Your friend who’s choking down some hyper-male, “whiskey neat”, would give Charlotte’s adopted daughter to be sipping a refreshing Cosmo. No kidding, I have a non-alcoholic friend who orders Shirley Temples when we’re out. We mess with him about it, but he likes those freaking drinks so much and doesn’t give a crap that we’re goofing on him. He’s one of the manliest dudes I know.
-If the bar you’re at is limited and doesn’t have your first option, don’t get flustered, just go to the next one. If all else fails, order what the other guy ordered and choke it down. When you’re through with your night, go back to the drawing board and learn more.
-This is an important one. If you’ve got issues with alcohol, the manliest thing you can order is a non-alcoholc drink with an extra shot of sobriety. Grown Men know their limits.
Cheers.
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Tags: advice, alcohol, bar, comedy, drinking, etiquette, first impression, food, friends, leisure
As a Japanese descendent (but from Brazil), I get so easily drunk that I avoid alcohol when I can. Of course, people made jokes. Until I realized that it is just a matter of keeping your mind cool while drowning it in a girlish drink. People would make more and more jokes if my reaction was aggressive, wouldn’t they?
Better being not so sober with a lady drink than rushing into a hospital because of an alcoholic coma, just because I wanted to show my “manliness” brandishing an empty glass once filled with a man-drink.
Self-respect and confidence is the key to true manliness, as you just mentioned on the text, GM.
Thanks for the very well written text. It made my day.
Hey Gustavo, thanks so much for reading and for the insightful comment! I’ll say one thing however, “lady drinks” can pack a punch. Most of them are just laced in sugar and fruit so you don’t realize the intensity. A Long Island Ice Tea drinker going toe-to-toe with a vodka rocks drinker will be half-in-the-bag before the vodka guy gets warmed up.
In any event, thank you again for the great comment and for reading!
I would like to add to this: respect other people’s decisions NOT to drink. It might be because they have issues with alcohol, or it might be for religious reasons…whatever. I’ve always been impressed with people who respect the fact that I don’t drink, and are courteous enough not to question my decision.
I would say this subject brings up the whole issue of ordering at restaurants in general, eh?
Was Appletini a “Scrubs” reference? Who doesn’t love J.D. and the fact that he’s secure enough to order what he loves!
You know, it was an unintentional reference…but I’ll take credit for it!
Good catch, SeeLion.
Scrubs also a good show! Now to quote some good movies and we are in the clear!
100% true, Sholeh! Drinking isn’t some sort of right of passage that must be exercised in order to appear cool. It’s simply an enjoyment. We don’t give our friends crap for not eating gummy bears, do we? mmmmmm, gummy bears, mmmmm
Grown Men (and Women) really shouldn’t give a second thought to not drinking or to others around them not partaking. “Respect[ing] other people’s decisions” is the key to a lot of things – great point.
Thanks, as always, for being one of the most loyal and longstanding readers of Grown Man…not to mention my pro-bono editor!
Happy to help!
John Daniels – Neat. (When you’ve known him as long as I have you call him John)
Now that’s a freaking cool line. Well done, well done indeed.
Totally right. I’m lucky enough to have a bartender friend, the guy taught me about good drinks, how it make a martini (always stir it). I have four default drinks, Gin and tonic, Rye and Ginger-ale, Of just a gin triple not chilled, or scotch on the rocks.
I’ve always wanted to have a bartender friend! I’d like to just go in and have that dude order cool drinks for me all evening.
By the way, you and I have identical default drinks.
Occasionally he’d go shopping with me to the liquor store, told me what brands to buy and how to mix it. He’s a really cool guy. As far as our drinks, great minds think alike, lol.
This reminds me of this one time, we went out for a friend’s birthday and one of the guys in group orders a cosmo. We laugh and ask him why, and he said he saw it on Sex and the City. He hasn’t lived that one down and it’s been close to a year.
talk about embarrassment! what guy would even THINK about ordering a drink he heard from a chick flick AND then admit to it?! I suppose props for being honest but definitely not for ordering a chick-flick drink! haha.
Yeah. Part of being a grown man is being honest. But sometimes, honesty isn’t always the best policy.
If you order a so-called girly drink, order it with confidence and don’t say you learned about it from a chick flick!
No way, order with pride! Grown Men don’t give a crap if a movie made a drink cool. It’s like pretending you like martini’s because of James Bond. Just order what you want, gentlemen.
Yeah, the Cosmo has become synonymous with that movie, which is a bummer because our friends mess with us for liking a drink that was cool when Carrie was is Dior diapers.
You make a good point about ordering what you like with confidence. I will bear that in mind, and if (perish forfend) I’m ever out with male friends and one of them orders an appletini, I will politely avert my eyes.
You last paragraph is indeed a very important one, and I’m glad you included it. Grown Men know their limits, and Grown Men respect others’ responsible choices.