carry a pocket knife.

14 Jun

Somewhere around 12 years old, some Grown Man (maybe your dad, grandpa, Scoutmaster, cool old guy next door) eyeballs you and thinks, “I might trust that boy enough not to kill himself with a lethal weapon.” That wise Miyagi goes to his old artillery box that’s tucked somewhere in the deepest recesses of the garage, and pulls out [cue single spot light and choir] – Excalibur. The clouds part, Seraphim and Cherubim sing “Holy, Holy, Holy” and the heavens present the finest tool known in all of creation-a two-inch, single blade, folding pocket knife.

Your mind races, your heart is fluttering, and your hands – now at one with the steely killing device-are surprisingly steady.  The world is a different place for you. Now, you’re  contemplating what animals in the back yard might need a good killin’.  Now, you look at your climbing tree and realize that every one of its mighty branches is a spear that has yet to be carved.  Now, you look at yourself in the mirror at night as you brush your teeth with a Return Of The Jedi toothbrush and know, with absolute certainty, that you are not to be messed with.

Gentlemen, carrying a pocket knife makes any little boy feel like the shiz.  And guess what, it makes big boys like you feel the same way.  When we hold our knife, we are gripping possibilities of protection, creation, and adventure.  We know that when we put on our sensible Dockers and resign ourselves, yet again, to the fact that we won’t be an Astronaut, that hidden in the little sub-pocket is a secret.  A secret that beckons us back to sunny days in the backyard and a life that was complicated only by the sun going down and having to be nice to our sister.

If you’ve never been given a knife, consider me your Miyagi.  I’m telling you to take your next $50 of random money – don’t buy your knife (or anything) on credit – and head to a store.  Don’t go online with this purchase, it won’t feel the same.  Head to Sears, the Army/Navy store or, if you live in Mayberry, the General Store.  Find one without a logo (Playboy? Seriously, you’re a Grown Man) and make sure it’s a standard color.  I suggest a knife by good manufacturer like Case XX*. They’re classic Americana. But trust me on this point, as you gaze over display, the right knife will find you.  Just be 12 again, you’ll know what to do.

You’re a Grown Man, carry a pocket knife.  You’ll feel good and you’ll be the hit of the office when it comes to opening those damn FedEx boxes.

Note: Special thanks to NotAJedi for submitting the idea for this post.  Have an idea of your own? Email me.

*Case XX didn’t pay me or anything crazy like that, I just really like the product.

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22 Responses to “carry a pocket knife.”

  1. Pop 14 June 2010 at 11:13 am #

    Carrying a pocket knife is only half the battle for a true GM. The other part is to be able to use it without maiming yourself.

    • You're a Grown Man 14 June 2010 at 1:01 pm #

      Agreed. Though every good Grown Man in training needs to feel the embarrassing sting of a self inflicted puncture.

      • lookingforsomethingtofind 14 June 2010 at 9:21 pm #

        Once when I was a kid, I tried to whittle a stick, almost cut the tip of my finger off. My dad told me to hold it up in the air, and apply pressure. During my freshmen year I was out with some friends, and one cut their finger really bad, I knew what to do, and told him to do what my dad had told me. I really felt like a grown man that day.

        • You're a Grown Man 14 June 2010 at 9:27 pm #

          That is awesome. Your dad sounds like a heck of a fella if for no other reason than he imparts first-aid wisdom. Awesome story, “Looking”.

  2. drumstudent81 14 June 2010 at 12:59 pm #

    Just as I was finishing reading this post, I had a friend as me to help her open the packaging to her headphones. How ironic. I couldn’t help and I lost her respect…all because I don’t have a pocket knife.

    • You're a Grown Man 14 June 2010 at 1:05 pm #

      I’m so sorry to hear that, drumstudent81. Here’s a little something that may help, go up to her and say, “Headphones lady, I didn’t have a pocket knife on me and for that I’m eternally sorry. However, in my quest to me more of the man that I should be – for you – , would you like to come with me to the Army/Navy store to pick out my new knife? Afterwords, we can go to TCBY and talk about your dreams.”

      Let me know how that works.

  3. QueenPinky 14 June 2010 at 2:22 pm #

    lol, i think the comments were more entertaining than the post. I cant call it.

    Thanks.

    Big Kiss (^_^) QueenPinky

  4. JB 14 June 2010 at 3:10 pm #

    A word to those of you looking for a good pocket knife: In my hunt for a pocket knife, I went to Sears and the Army/Navy store. No dice at either. They don’t sell pocket knives anymore.

    The Army/Navy store sells asshole knives and paintball guns. Sears sells cheap Swiss Army knives made for your keychain, and you have to go to the watch department to get them. What has become of the two most reliable man chain stores out there? I don’t know.

    However, you can get a good knife at a small hardware store. Ace or your local store will do the trick.

    • You're a Grown Man 14 June 2010 at 3:14 pm #

      Your unfortunate and helpful comment breaks my heart. What happened to Sears?! They used to be so awesome. Bummer.

      Well gentlemen, you heard it from “JB”, hunt elsewhere for your Excalibur. I can assure you it’ll be well worth it.

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, JB!

    • DNA 1 September 2010 at 6:16 pm #

      Are you calling all Swisses Rubbish? Or just those keyring ones? Just checking because I got a decent one a few years ago and it has served me well. Still sharp, none of the attachments have broken, and it’s got be out of many tight situations.

  5. notajedi 17 June 2010 at 8:33 am #

    I’ve found that the best place to get a really amazing pocket knife is your grandfather’s top bureau or toolbox drawer. Ask him if you can have it first. And pay attention when he tells you stories about gutting Krauts with that knife at Anzio. Then take a picture of him with your iDroidBerry and refer to it when you want to know what a Grown Man looks like.

    • You're a Grown Man 18 June 2010 at 3:31 pm #

      Freaking exactly, NotaJedi – exactly. If a man can have his grandfathers knife, that’s ideal. Also, he should use that knife to destroy the iDroidBerry.

  6. VL4D 2 July 2010 at 1:43 pm #

    I inherit a pocket knife from my grandpa. He kept it very very sharped. It is an important detail for us, grown men aspirants

  7. el.jefe 31 July 2010 at 1:33 pm #

    Grown man, I carry a pocket knife my father gave me two decades ago. I keep it sharp and use it to assist ladies frequently. But it has a bottle opener on it. As you have wisely stated elsewhere, a grown man should not carry a bottle opener. What should I do?

    • R.A. Stewart 24 August 2010 at 9:11 pm #

      I am not Grown Man, but I am *a* grown man, and maybe I can help. If your pocket knife

      *was given to you by your father

      *twenty years ago

      *and you keep it sharp

      *and you often assist ladies with it,

      it is absolutely, certifiably, and uncontestably a Grown Man’s Pocket Knife. Don’t worry about the bottle opener.

  8. R.A. Stewart 25 August 2010 at 2:01 pm #

    I do see your point about buying your pocketknife in person, especially your first one. I generally prefer walking into stores to internet shopping myself. But such is the state of civilization that a man might not be near a store that still carries good American-made pocketknives. Or maybe you’ve had a knife for a while, have learned a little about them, and have formed an idea of what specifically you’d like to carry (a Case dark red bone medium stockman with carbon-steel blades, say). In that case (pun not intended but not deleted either), you may need to turn to the internet, and the best internet merchant for pocketknives is Shepherd Hills Cutlery (http://www.casexx.com/). No affiliation.

  9. soup.io 8 December 2013 at 4:03 am #

    Any Case knife can be dated as to its year of manufacture using the tang stamp,
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    The family business was incorporated in 1900 as
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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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  2. Tips for Selecting the Best Pocket Knife | Cheap Knives - 22 September 2012

    [...] carry a pocket knife. « you’re a grown man – Somewhere around 12 years old, some Grown Man (maybe your dad, grandpa, Scoutmaster, cool old guy next door) eyeballs you and thinks, “I might trust that boy enough not to kill himself with a lethal weapon.” That wise … This entry was posted in Best Pocket Knife and tagged best pocket knife, cheap knives, pocket knife by JS. Bookmark the permalink. Cancel Reply [...]

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