Let’s watch this unfold…
[Woman is in the bedroom getting ready. You’re in the next room playing World of OhMyGodYou’reSuchADork]
Woman declares from the distance: “I look terrible, I hate this dress!”
[A single bead of sweat forms on your brow. She continues getting ready - you are silent. The enemy is all around. You taste adrenaline, you hear the fleeting attempts at zipping a dress, your breathing is shallow - soon you’ll be fighting for your life.]
Woman: “I mean what the hell?! Why are bridesmaids dresses always ridiculous? Like I’ll ever wear this again…$200! … f#$*&ing zipper!…”
[She begins to walk towards you. Her heals click, click, click, click - like a bomb sitting patiently before its havoc. Your heart is racing, your hands are steady, your mind is blank.]
[She is standing in front of you.]
Woman: “For real, tell me, do I look fat in this dress?”
[She locks eyes with you. You hesitate...]
Game over.
Gentlemen, the “do I look fat?” question has become a famous punchline for men not knowing what to say. The truth is, this question sits at the pinnacle of a mountain of inquiries that seemingly put us between a rock and a hard spot. We get questions all the time that we don’t know how to answer:
Q: “Do you like my mom?”
Q: “I’m thinking sea-foam and sunrise for our wedding colors. Or maybe blush and bashful, what do you think?”
Q: “I don’t get it, do you love cigarettes more than me?”
Oh the conundrum. If you tell the truth (“Yes, I’d rather go to Bonnaroo than your grandmothers funeral.”), you’re screwed. If you lie, you’re not a Grown Man (“Blech, I don’t even like seeing my friends, let’s go get crunk with your girls!”).
Gentlemen, there’s a third option that’s rarely employed – using your brain and thinking about thinking. You see, our lady-friends are smart as hell. Very rarely do they ask a question that truly needs an answer from you. This kind of question is called a rhetorical question where no formal answer is needed. In dumb-guy terms, they don’t need your help, they are requesting your support.
Grown Man, then why in God’s green freaking earth don’t they just ask what they want to ask!?
To that I would reply, why don’t you? Who among us is self-aware enough to be Spock-like and just move through life with complete logic? When your lady-friend is looking at herself in the mirror and feeling less than ideal, she’s unhappy, she’s embarrassed, and she’s frustrated. You may know she looks fantastic, but she doesn’t feel that way in that moment – and that’s all that matters.
Here’s the secret: Answer the overriding feeling, not the actual question. It’s not dodging, it’s the only way out of the rock and hard spot.
Q: “Do you like my mom?”
A: “I know how important your mom is to you and I want to get to know her better.”
Q: “I’m thinking sea-foam and sunrise…[too long]… wedding colors. What do you think?”
A: “I’m super-excited about our wedding! And while I’m completely colorblind and have no taste [self-deprecation always works], I’d love to do my best to help with these kinds of decisions.”
Q: “I don’t get it, do you love cigarettes more than me?”
A: “I don’t love anything more than you.” (Also idiot, cigarettes will kill you.)
and finally…
Q: “Do I look fat in this dress?”
A: “C’mon, you’re the loveliest lady I’ve ever seen! I’m sorry you’re upset. Why aren’t you happy with that dress?”
Affirm, understand, reframe, back to video games – just like that.
Grown Men, communication is incredibly hard, full of grey area, and a lifelong process. Depending on how well you know your significant other, there may be times when you say, “Yep, those aren’t the most flattering jeans on you.” But in general, we need to think about the larger picture of what’s really being asked and answer accordingly.
Good luck with this one.
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Tags: clothing, comedy, dating, etiquette, fashion, fighting, lady-friend, manners, marriage, relationships
You are dead on with this post!! Men (and women) everywhere should take this advice!
Thank you so much, anotherother1. I really appreciate you saying that.
Best advice I’ve read in response to that question. YES!
Hold on a second, are you saying:
1- This Grown Man post was the “best advice” you’ve read and then saying “YES!” as a form of exuberance? If so, thank you so much.
-or-
2- The best advice you can give is to reply to the question, “Do I look fat…” with a resounding, “YES!” If so, thank you so much.
You quoted Steel Magnolias with the “blush and bashful.” I think I really do love you now. You’ve earned my heart, Grown Man.
Non-Jedi, I was wondering if anyone would catch that! Well done.
Spot on advice. The worst response I have ever gotten to this type of question was, “you look fine.” Now, unless there is an accent on fine which implies, “damn girl, you lookin’ fine,” then I will have to immediately stomp back to the closet and try on everything else I own.
I once had a bridesmaid’s dress that was so bad even my husband couldn’t fake it. He finally just broke down and with a look of great pity asked, “why would your ‘friend’ make you wear a purple garbage bag?” There’s only so much a Grown Man can do sometimes.
Love your blog.
Yes, there’s got to be a point when any good man knows that he can’t dodge his way out of a situation and needs to just fess up…sounds like your husband is a good guy.
And I agree, fine is to compliments as khaki is to colors.
Thanks a ton for taking the time to comment and read, perpetuallypeeved.
You are a freaking genius.
Seriously, great advice.
Genius. I like the sound of that.
Thanks for supporting the blog, Teresa.
No problem! I have no trouble supporting what I like!
I have been telling my husband forever that secret option “C” is ALWAYS the way to go. I totally caught the reference to Steele Magnolias. You are free to make those quotes because most guys won’t catch on unless us females keep outting you. ;0)
“Grown Woman”, I get a feeling you have to train your husband often. Keep it up, he’s totally worth it.
And yes, being ousted on the Steele Magnolias quote was awesome and impressive. I really thought it would go unnoticed. However, I’m starting to realize that almost all of the readers of this site are women. Sort of telling.
Take care Grown Woman, glad we’re friends.
I like the alternate answers you provided… nice way to get yourself out of a sticky situation that could put you in the “dog house” for who knows how long. Great post!
Thanks a ton, pbandchutney. Also, good post on Paper or Plastic…very useful advice.
http://pbandchutney.wordpress.com/2010/06/03/paper-or-plastic/
Thank you for reposting it! You rock. Glad you liked the post.
Hey, nice job getting to 100! That’s a big deal. Let’s go 1k.
http://thequeensspeak.wordpress.com/
She’s like me, but a lady, and polite, and with better graphics and overall layout.
Definitely trying this method out, you really should have an advice column.
Man o’ man, I’d love an advice column. The more places and can just spew venom and judgment, the better!
I hope the duck, dodge, weave method works for you…if not, feel free to come back and lambaste me publicly.
-GM
very well said. consider your post copied and pasted and forwarded to all men!
I wondered why there was a spike in readership today. It’s probably because “pleasetellme” copied, pasted,and forwarded the blog to 3.25 billion guys.
Thank you, pleasetellme!
You explained this phenomenon very well. As a woman, I know it the best allthough I do not wear dresses. Good job.
Thanks! “A phenomenon”…I like that.
You are 100% right!!! Thank you for this insight. I’m rebloging this as we speak, I know my readers will love it.
You’re awesome – thank you.
A++++ how did I miss this one?
Thanks, as always, for the kind words. I’ve never gotten anything better than an A- in my life!
Hi Grown Man,
I’ve been reading through your posts and I absolutely love your blog. I agree, you really should have an advice column. Or better yet, it should be a manual handed out to all males once they hit puberty. So that it’ll be ingrained by the time they finally do grow up and become Grown Men!
I have heard my girlfriend complain about how idiotic their boyfriends are when it comes to answering questions like this. I oughta tell them about this. ^_^
If I can help just one guy avoid the death trap of “do I look fat”, I’ll consider this blog a success!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, I’m glad you like the blog!