I work with a guy who cringes every time I try giving him a hug. Granted, I’m hugging him because I take great joy in his public discomfort, but that’s beside the point. The question is, why have guys gotten so weird about hugging?
Grown Man, I don’t want everyone around me to think I’m gay!
First, nobody thinks that and, furthermore, why would you think that? Really, stop and ponder this. If you saw two guys in a quick embrace, would you think, “They’re doin’ it.” Nope. Just like you wouldn’t think that when you give a quick hug to your grandma – oh god, nauseous, why did I write that?
But, let’s say for the sake of argument that you do feel a little something, a subtle warmth by the embrace of another man. Well congratulations, you may be learning something new about yourself and should gladly accept hugs at all turns.
Grown Men, a hug is a very informal way of saying, “I care about you and I’m happy to see you.” 95% of the time, a handshake is the best way of physical communication between guys, but every now and again we need to say something else, something more meaningful, something that communicates that we don’t give a damn what the world thinks – we’re hugging it out, bitch.
Here’s some quick rules for a proper platonic hug:
1- Give it a count of 3-Mississippi or less. More than that arouses ulterior motives.
2- Talking while hugging is a must. Hugging without talking is cuddling. Say things like, “Good to see you, you old [3 Mississippi, hug is over] bastard.”
3- Men think they have to hit on the back during the hug, this is not true. However, DON’T RUB! You know why.
4- Don’t hug in the workplace unless it makes the other guy overly uncomfortable – in which case enjoy the hell out of that joke and send him this post.
Like this:
Tags: comedy, etiquette, first impression, friends, gay, homosexual, hug, relationships
lol…great article! I prefer the handshake hug. You know, you reach out your hand and while shaking you go for that one armed hug with that pat on that back that says ‘bro hug.’ Also, on your rules you need to add:
- No taking in the scent of the man you are hugging…For example, do not ponder what cologne he is wearing or even attempt to find out. If it’s AXE…uh oh, you are in trouble. However, if you are looking to mess with the guy tell him he smells good.
- Never, while in the act of hugging, allow your cheeks to brush against his in a soft and delicate manner…do your best to keep proper head distance.
http://www.wutevs.wordpress.com
Raul, these are fantastic rules! I saw chocolate AXE at the store the other day and thought, if I caught a whiff of that on a friend, I’d throw up.
I enjoyed your blog a lot, it’s good encouragement to keep reading.
Saw your post on wordpress and am now in love with your blog! I’m adding it to my blog roll
.
Richard, I really appreciate you saying that. Do you have a blog? I’d love to go to it.
Hugs,
Grown Man
LOL! Too funny. And that picture is priceless.
Thanks, Veronica! And I agree, there’s nothing not awkward about that hug.
Hilarious. I needed that this morning! THANKS
That’s wonderful, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Have a great day!
haha very funny good one
I literally laughed out loud (lol’d – is that even a verb???) when I read that your primary reason for hugging a certain man is to enjoy exploiting his discomfort!
Let it be known, lol’d is officially a verb. There’s nothing like making another dude squirm. Thanks for reading “TomCatinTheRedRoom”…I felt slightly odd writing that.
haha; I think I’ve managed to add spaces into my name now…
Being female, I don’t have true insight to having to live like this, but I always thought some of the “rules” society places on men are unfair. Why should it be okay for two women or a man and woman to share a platonic hug, but not two men?
Humans are social beings who generally don’t do well if we’re completely isolated from our own kind. We share needs which span race, creed, culture, locale and environment. It’s what makes a human a human, and it doesn’t seem right our society forces men to deny part of that.
I say hug on, men!
Awesome point and thanks for so well articulating your thoughts for everyone. There’s a theory of counseling that states that a person needs something like 12 hugs a day…regardless of “race, creed, culture, locale and environment.” Hug on, men, hug on.
*Hug* Awesome post, grown man!
I think part of the fear is also crotch to crotch contact. Maintaining proper groin distance is key to a successful man hug.
Hell of a point, Pop. Accidental crotch contact is a serious problem among huggers, we’ve got to keep the stance in more of an “A” formation to avoid such blunders.
I love it! Goodness knows I needed a good…. laugh not a hug as I’m a gal and you know that is a whole other topic. But got one to add to your guy hug rules. It is a must to only lean into the hug and keep at least a 12 inch space between you from hips down. Well I guess you know why…lol…same rules apply. really enjoyed the post!
Thanks, lilabyrd! This stance is called the “A Frame”…guys must master this so they don’t, well, you know, have to apologize and never speak again.
LOL….verb….and I think Pop and I were posting at the same time!
Now THIS made me laugh even harder than the post. Nicely done!
What a random and hilarious post to find. I really enjoyed it and you brought up great points!
Random and hilarious is what I’m aiming for. Thanks for the kind words, Sean.
McCain looks beautifully content. Like a koala bear who’s just been read the greatest ever bedtime story.
Classic stuff!
Ash
http://permanentplastichelmet.com
Now there’s a campaign slogan that could have won him the election…
McCain/Palin: Like a Koala Bear Who’s Just Been Read The Greatest Ever Bedtime Story
Brilliant… I am gay so maybe this will help me hug my straight guy friends more acceptably. Most of them are comfortable hugging me anyway. Thanks for this though I really enjoyed it!
Mike, you hug the hell outta’ those straight guys! Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment.
I absolutely agree therefore believe that you my friend are 110% correct. There’s nothing wrong with a nice hug from another guy. Expect to be added to my blog roll.
Thank you for such great post.
Always a friend:
-Alex International
http://contention101.wordpress.com/
Ashclark1 — your comment made me snort out loud.
I agree! Ashclark1 had the first “way funnier than the actual post, enough to overshadow it and make me check my ego” comment.
Alex, I’m glad we’re friends.
Also, please tell me your last name really is International, that is beyond cool.
Your pal,
Grown Man Global
I don’t think men have a problem hugging each other anymore. Men hug, they say “what’s up bitch” and they tan together in tight shorts and white sunglasses. Men are not embarassed by questionable sexuality anymore. Hell, they embrace it.
Now there’s a visual! If you saw me in tight shorts, you would cry – forever.
LOL your post is hilarious, but so are the comments.
In some parts of the world, hugging is an entire part of grown men communication. You may look at european or south american soccer player for some strong manly hugs or maybe some cosa nostra films (the godfather ?)
I know, the posts are the best part of this blog! I love how clever everyone is.
And yes, they hug like crazy in other countries and in The Godfather I and II. The Godfather III just sucked and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
I really appreciate you reading and commenting.
Haha! How very true. I’m lucky to hang around a bunch of guys who don’t have much of a problem hugging each other – in actuality, one of them probably goes a bit too far glomp-tackling people.
How manly is a glomp-tackle?
Omochii,
Here’s what I love about your comment:
1- I had no idea what glomp-tackle was and had to look it up. Now that I know, it seems super funny and agreeably, a bit too far sometimes.
2- Now, when you Google glomp-tackle, this site and YOUR comment pops up first. Congrats, you’re famous-ish.
For real though, I appreciate you reading the site. Tell your overzealous buddy to hold off on the glomping.
Hilarious. And it’s also made me think back on all the man-hugs I’ve observed, and the “A Frame” situation? I see the unspoken law, now. And the pat on the back. As well as the “bro hug” mentioned in earlier comments.
So much etiquette. It’s like learning a Russian curtsy.
Normally, when guys hug, I only mention “they are so getting it on later” if the two men are within earshot and I feel like being a jerk… and to elicit some snickers. =P
Moment of honesty, I laughed at the notion of you saying “they are so getting it on later” – priceless. However, we’ve got to be cool and affirm or brothers when they embrace.
I’m glad you’re reading the blog, I really appreciate it.
When you get to be my age, you have to be careful who you hug: You never know who has osteoporosis. Yes, even men can get it (though you’d never know it from those calcium commercials they show on the TV).
The Codger
http://thecodger.wordpress.com/
Excellent point, “The Codger” – if that is your real name. Let is be known, Grown Men, calcium supplements aren’t just for the ladies! Finally, we’ve got that off our chest.
hugging is very good for you. Most of us don’t get enough human contact on a day to day basis. If you ever want to experiment with something try hugging 10-20 people a day for a week and see how your mood shifts. jc
Wonderful point, Justin. Thanks for reading and for the insightful comment.
Hilarious, and true. I’m on vacation in Budapest where people kiss each other on each cheek as a greeting (no handshakes or hugging for the most part). It was interesting to see two grown men do this for the first time. Lots of Americans are way too uptight about showing affection/being touched, or even having strangers be too close to them.
Oh heck yeah, those Grown Budapest Men keep it real! Thanks for reading and commenting while you’re on vacation.
I needed a good laugh on this Wednesday morning. Freshly Pressed never disappoints, glad to have found you.
Alicia, I’m really glad you laughed! I laugh, but that’s because I’m totally full of myself. Also, how wonderful is wordpress.com and the Freshly Pressed site?
Too funny…
Thank you…
Fathers,
Please hug your sons. It is OK to let them know you love them.
Solid point, Vivian.
Also, mama’s, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
Ah! I love your blog, glad it was featured on the front page
<—yup, so much love I pulled out an emoticon. Grown Men don't hate emoticons (secretly).
Winky, while I’m not 100% sure that Grown Men like emoticons, I’m totally sure that they like people named winklybink.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
Nothing like a good old bro-hug. Hilarious picture too. I’ll see you on my blog roll!
Thanks, young Pduan!
I love this post, and I love your blog. I’ve been reading it for about an hour now, and it’s been very entertaining. Good work! I’m so adding you to my blogroll.
I love your comment! Thanks for adding me to the blogroll and for taking the time to comment on this site.
Hah hah hah! I love your joke about the discomfort, I couldn’t stop laughing! I’ll try that!
Yep, there’s really nothing like making a buddy squirm and get pissed. Glad you got a laugh out of the site, and thank you for reading.
Both of my grown man brothers are from the Tommy Boy school of “brothers don’s shake hands, brothers gotta hug!” Great post!
You know, that line of Tommy Boy may have been the start of the man-hugging revolution. Thanks for liking the post, Dani!
Funny, but true and a must needed post. This fisbumping and shoulder banging can wear on a guy.
I know, fistbumping and shoulder banging just don’t communicate the same warmth. Basically, they’re both just acceptable ways of hitting another dude. Thanks for reading and commenting, geogee.
Oh, Grown Man, I do believe I’m a little bit in love with you. (I’ve been railing against bad manners and manchildren for quite some time, and I’m actually working on a post now about the scourge of “no homo.”) Thank you. You look so handsome in that suit.
Dear non-Jedi,
While I wish you were fully in love, I’m happy with “a little bit”. I can’t wait to read your blog.
Oh George, hugging I guess is okay, don’t take it any farther though!
Well put.
The bro hug, manliest man thing to do that man has ever invented.
YES! You know what else is manly? The name Smoking Jacket Man.
ahahahahaha this is hilarious!!
Thanks so much, Ceante!
I really appreciate that somebody has considered writing about this. I absolutely agree with you that we should not think similar for everyone but I guess it’s a human nature that occasionally turns to be very non-real instead of being practical. You have just mentioned a very logical concern in this blog with a funny way that one could get the gravity of your point here very easily. Thank you for sharing such wonderful blog. I hope it will help a lot of people =)
Talia, I’m really flattered and grateful for your kind review of the blog and this post. Thank you for taking the time to write it and share with everyone.
I have a friend who thinks it’s necessary to give me the hardest of slaps on the back after he hugs me. I don’t fear the hug at all…I feel the pain I know will follow.
http://thenoniche.wordpress.com/
I know, right?! Such warmth followed by such pain just makes them both null and void. At least he’s trying.
Outstanding and tremendously important post! I very much appreciate this post. Many men give up so much in life for the sake of not having someone think that they are gay. What they don’t realize is people are going to think something negative about them–no matter what they try to do (and in no way am I saying being gay is negative, but in many men’s minds it is). Men should not worry about whether or not someone thinks that they are gay. In fact, many men might calm their anger if they embraced hugging more often.
Holy smokes, Antonio – well put! Man, what a perfect summary. Thank you.
I love this post! Hilarious and topical. I rarely hug my male friends but have to admit I would like to be able to. Societal norms do dictate that is is slightly odd… I need my 12 hugs a day! I’m lucky if I get one!
Screw societal norms, fearboy, today’s the day – get 12 hugs in – 6 from lady friends, 6 from guys. I want a full report…
Haha, great post
Although, in my country bro-hugs are quite popular 
What country is that?
Thanks for reading and commenting!
It’s OK to hug anutha fella, just b careful how U hug. Give a ‘brotherly like hug’ to encure da otha fella is OK w/ dat,cool? Hava great day.
Good point, fab4ever…the difference between hugging and cuddling is 1 second.
I disagree.
You disagree with what?
LOL
C’mon!(nothing bad).
He was so shy when he faced the crowd. Then, he gave him a big lovely hug.
So true, so true. Your rules are also very accurate. I went to an all-boy high school, where it was perfectly acceptable to greet each other with hugs.
There you go, all boy high school and everybody’s hugging – case closed.
FANTASTIC post. You are brilliant.
Those are kind words, tenthoubride. However, I can assure you I’m hardly brilliant – maybe adequate – but not brilliant.
I totally agree!! It’s definitely ok for grown men to “hug it out b!tch”!! My husband gives “pounds” to his buddies which involves a sideways hand shake and one handed hug. Whatever. I still consider it a hug
Nicely put!
Right, it’s a total guy hug, but a hug no less. Even one hand at your side and the other one hitting the back counts.
As always, thanks for contributing, pbandchutney.
This may or may not be the best blog I’ve seen on “Freshly Pressed.” Pretty excited to check back. Keep it up.
With family on Holidays it’s usually hugs all around, except with one of my brothers, he more than not insist on just a hand shake.
I think he’s just goading me, like you with your work buddy, only the other way around.
Or is it my long hair (now that did make me feel a little strange – I guess).
Thanks for the lol!
John
John,
I do think your brother is messing with you. He’s got to be an older brother, right? They’re hard wired to do that kind of stuff.
Thanks for reading and commenting, John. Let that long hair flow, brother…
I’m a hugger. It’s my natural way of saying “Nice to meet you!” or “Goodbye”, so I don’t find it weird at all. Good post for sure.
That a way to own it, Phil. You’re a good man.
Nice to meet you! and Goodbye.
Love this. Excellent post, excellent blog. I have forwarded your opinion of video games to my sad world of warcraft-playing father. Will be back tomorrow.
Awww, poor Jenn’s dad – he loves nerding it up and now his enlightened daughter is going to send him some blog written by a punk who sits high in his ivory tower of judgment.
Actually, it’s probably a good idea.
As always, thanks Jenn.
Grownn Mann
Well, I kept reading. And scanned all the way thru the comments. I skip the long ones but enjoy the short ones.
I have to ask, is osteoporosis catching then?
http://lifeaftereighty.wordpress.com
Yes?
“Talking while hugging is a must. Hugging without talking is cuddling. ” – Classic LOL
Your quoting of me takes my narcissism to a new place – thank you, Nnamdi.
Living and working in Venezuela for some years, in the oil fields, I grew accustomed to ‘The Embrazzo ‘ amongst close men friends and family members. There is nothing queer about it, except in the minds of those who have not grown up. It is a deep means of showing brotherly affection, nothing else, but I know it upsets men who do not understand it, and so you have to know where you are permitted to use it, certainly not amongst English and Americans, unless you knew them in Venezuela.
The Embrazzo is a great term for hugging it out. Isn’t it funny how other cultures so embrace hugging while America is still a bit skittish? Oh well, we’ll keep trying.
Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment, Colin.
Great post! I think it’s sexy when is a man is secure enough to hug another man. I definitely don’t assume men are gay when they hug each other.
You hear that, Grown Men? When two of you are around Lotus – hug…she digs it.
Thanks for reading the blog and for taking the time to comment.
I love this! You know, in some countries two men holding hands isn’t considered gay: it’s just a sign of friendship. I think it’s nice when two men feel confident enough in their masculinity/orientation to be able to express their love or friendship in a physical, non-sexual way.
Exactly! There’s a real value in a hug or, in some cultures, holding hands – people feel connected when they’re, well, connected.
Great point, ofsoundafury8.
Just not when it’s either of those in the photograph!
Exactly.
Much prefer the handshake. I’m funny about hugs in general. The only one I find it acceptable to be hugged by or hug is my SO. Otherwise, it’s a handshake.
Fair enough, trughspew (good name). Just try every once in a while, okay?
FUN READ!
Thank you!
hahaha that’s funny and very true.
Glad you liked it, Aira.
I enjoyed this very much.
Here is something sort of related and awkward: My dad recently hugged me and for some reason I bursted into laughter. I don’t know what it was, and I didn’t have any sort of explanation for him.
That is awkward as hell. Have you hugged him after that incident? I kind of hope you did and laughed again.
Thanks for liking this post, chrislr.
Great common sense advice. Keep it coming!
I’ll do my best, Chasha. Thank you for the encouragement!
“Men think they have to hit on the back during the hug, this is not true. However, DON’T RUB! You know why.”
HAHA, too good!
nice one grown man
It’s not that men have gotten weird about hugging. They have always been weird about hugging (and the amount of anxiety in this post and the subsequent comments suggests that the rise in weirdness has been proportional to the rise in hugging) because it’s not about being gay or not. Even when everyone was in the closet and you could assume a man was a man with no “ulterior motives” the problem was still there. maybe it didn’t cross a straight man’s mind to worry about the other dude’s possible boners, but it was still weird because you were close to another person (especially another man).
In the calculus of masculinity physically close to another person/emotionally close or needy=vulnerable, not individualistic and self reliant=weak.
Fair points, Knownever. Thanks for making them.
“In the calculus of masculinity physically close to another person/emotionally close or needy=vulnerable, not individualistic and self reliant=weak” is probably the most complex and brilliant sentence I’ve ever read. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
It’s really a shame that most men in society have such a problem with over displays (or in their head) of affection. *hugs* This whole piece was pretty well said!
Looking forward to more.
-Jackie
http://jweber523.wordpress.com
I like you. You are hilarious
Funny post!
)
). Here in Romania it’s common that men kiss on the cheek too if they’re close friends or family.
Now I’m thinking about how the men in my family hug
Thanks for starting my morning with a laugh, that’s exectly what I came looking for on Freshly Pressed.
haha, funny post.
hugs,
popscure
OMG that was funny!
I’m a woman in the military so I have a fair understanding of the “rules” on both sides. You hit it perfectly!
However, I would like to add that women have a very similar rule for the A frame. For us, its the Boob Smush. Only amung the closest of friends. The Off-Set is also acceptable if the women are well endowed and the A Frame isn’t possible.
Great blog!! Can’t wait for more!!
While it would have been 1000 kinds of inappropriate for me to ever say “boob smush” on this blog, I’m glad that you did.
Also, thanks for being in the military!
Great post. As a sraight girl it is hard for me to find people that my hugs can publicly creep out, but when I do find that special someone who squirms and cries, it is satisfying on a deep level.
Straight Girl Natalie, isn’t it just the best to use wonderful hugging power for evil and awkwardness?
Thank you so much for that brilliant article! Well done!
Haha! True!
I think you’ve said it all. Haha..
Quite concise and HILARIOUS! Bravo
It too makes me happy at the cost of others comfort. Here in Africa, hugging is the least of the worries. I will admit, one my secret joys is watching my fellow expat male counterparts get all “deer in headlights” when they get caught in handholding situations. It is very normal to hold one another’s hand for the duration of a conversation: my favourite moments? when one of my expat male counterparts gets caught in a hand hold with another man, they get this terrified look in their eyes, and can’t stop glancing down at their clasped hands, trying desperately to gauge the moment when they can remove their hand…
Better yet, when they are stuck holding another man’s hand when walking and the other guy starts swinging. I half expect them to start skipping down the road.
Ahhh, so great.
I am truly enjoying this and your points # 2 and 3 are the ones I practise the most.
lol,a funny guys!!! escape… BUSH
lol! Well, I’m a woman and I am not comfortable hugging people either! And don’t even get me started on greetings kisses…
I just want to thank everyone for the great comments! I’ve been continually laughing and learning as you all have discussed the finer points of hugging it out.
Hugs,
GM